


And I'm Calling on You to Be My Lifeline

by daysofinspiration



Series: Lifeline [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Hotline, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-27
Updated: 2011-10-28
Packaged: 2018-10-28 19:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10837932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysofinspiration/pseuds/daysofinspiration
Summary: Tina isn't sure how Santana manages to mix her number with the crisis helpline, but now that it's happened she is determined to do everything she can to help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Waiting for the Sun](https://archiveofourown.org/works/242234) by [nightshifted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightshifted/pseuds/nightshifted). 



> This deals with use of The Trevor Lifeline and related mature themes.
> 
> With permission from the author, this was inspired by the fic Waiting for the Sun written by nightshifted, which was an incredible read. You all should check it out.

The first time it happens, Tina isn't really sure what's going on. At first, she's sleeping, dreaming about the report she has to give tomorrow for Geography on glacier formations. The dream bounces back and forth – all the things that could go horribly wrong mixed in with a few ways the presentation could go perfectly right.

Then she's waking up because her phone is blaring Katy Perry right next to her ear. Why is her phone turned up so loud? Why is her ringtone so obnoxious? Why is someone calling her at – she lifts her head and glances at the red lights of the digital clock - 2:36 in the morning?

She rolls onto her back, reaches haphazardly for her cell phone on the bedside table, and answers it. "Hello?" she says as brightly as she can for so early in the morning.

There's silence on the other line. And then a sniffle.

"Hello?" she repeats, "Is anyone there?"

"Um… hi," a voice says meekly. "The, um, the rules haven't changed, right? This is still anonymous?"

Tina blinks, becoming more awake. But before she has a chance to question what is going on the person on the other line starts talking again, "I don't know why I keep doing this. But I need to talk to someone." There's another sniffle, and Tina realises the person – girl, the voice is female – on the other line is trying vainly to hold back tears. "I don't… I don't know what to do anymore and I just… I need someone to listen."

Tina is sitting up in bed by this point, trying to figure what the hell is going on. She knows that voice. It's meek and quiet and tear-filled, but she knows she knows that voice. What she can't figure out is who the voice belongs to.

Or why they're calling her in the middle of the night, apparently thinking she's someone else.

The girl on the other line takes a deep, shaky breath. "We fought today. In the parking lot after school. I found out she… she started dating him. For real this time. Not as some stupid ploy to make me jealous. They're… actually dating. And she's happy and smiling and I don't understand how this happened. Why him? Why  _him_? Why anyone? We were doing okay. I had apologised, we made up, we were doing really well. I don't understand why she went back to him. Wasn't I… wasn't I enough?" The girl's voice is so faint by the end Tina has to strain to hear.

She takes a moment to evaluate the situation as the girl on the line lets out a sob, mutters "sorry" and tries to force her tears back down. Tina still hasn't figured out who this is, and clearly, they don't realise they've called the wrong number, but Tina isn't really sure what to do. She  _wants_  to tell the other girl she's dialled the wrong person. But at the same time, she wants to help. The girl is crying. Tina's chest squeezes at this thought. The girl is crying and clearly just wants someone to talk to. As long as they don't realise they aren't talking to who they think they're talking to, why can't Tina try to help?

"W-why," she starts gently, nerves flaring up, "Why don't you start from the beginning?"

The girl sighs, "Right. Sorry. I forgot. Different person every time." Tina tries to understand what this means but isn't given the chance as the girl continues, "There's…um… this girl. My… she's my best friend. And she… she started dating this boy. The," there's a pause as she sniffles, "The first time was to make me jealous, because I-" she stops abruptly.

"Never mind. She… she was dating him. But it wasn't real, you know? And then they broke up. And I apologised to her and I told her how sorry I was about what had happened between us and I tried to make it up to her and… and I thought we were doing okay. And then today I find out that she's… she's back with him. And I don't understand. I don't get why she's punishing me. Why is she dating  _him_? He's just a stupid fucking cripple."

It's the way the girl says 'stupid fucking cripple' that a jolt of realisation shoots through Tina. It's Santana. She's talking on the phone with Santana.

"I just don't see why she's doing this. I know I hurt her. But… but she has to realise how much this is hurting me, too." There's a long pause, and then she adds quietly, "I'm not the unbreakable wall everyone thinks I am."

Another bolt runs through Tina as she realises something else. She's talking on the phone with Santana. About Brittany.

That right there is a whole world of trouble. Because no one,  _no one_ , really understands what is going on with those two. No one understands the relationship they have. It's complicated and messy and something is going on – clearly, if this phone call is any indication – but everyone just kind of accepts it because they're Cheerios and everything they do falls under the guise of 'best friends.'

But Tina knows there's something more involved. She was a member of that party-line last year. She remembers what was implied about the two; Brittany's slip-up.

"Um…" Tina tries, very unsure of what she should do. Suddenly very, very worried about what will happen if Santana finds out it's Tina she's talking with.

"I just don't know how to act around her anymore," Santana says with a small whimper. "We fought a few weeks ago, and yeah, we made up, but it's been weird since then. We've been like, trying too hard it seems. _I've_  been trying too hard. Trying to make up for what I did to her."

Tina is hesitant to ask exactly what it is Santana did to make Brittany so sad. So sad that she's run to Artie. Twice.

But she knows it's not her place to ask. She's already breaking a veil of confidence in simply  _having_ this conversation with the Latina because Santana doesn't know who she's talking with.

"Have…" she starts, very carefully, "Have you tried talking to her?"

"I asked her why she was dating him, yeah," she snaps, angry about having to talk about Artie. "She said he was nice. He made her happy. Lots of stupid crap I didn't want to hear. I don't understand it."

Tina knows she has to be really careful here. Artie is one of her friends. But so is Brittany. And so, Tina hopes, is Santana. "If," she takes a deep breath, hoping she doesn't overstep some invisible boundary, "If he makes her happy, then… then why aren't you happy for her?"

The line stays quiet for a long time. So long in fact, that if it weren't for the fact that the dial tone isn't beeping at her, Tina would wonder if the Latina had hung up on her.

But, eventually, Santana whispers, "Because… because she didn't use to need him to make her happy. I… that was my… we were fine before. Just the two of us. Best friends. I… I don't understand why suddenly I'm not enough. I don't get why suddenly-" she cuts herself off again. Even though Santana doesn't know she's talking with Tina, she still has her limits.

"It sounds like you really care about her."

"I do," Santana replies without hesitation. "She… she's everything. She's the one person I'm closest with. We've been friends  _forever._  More than friends.

"It was always just us," she continues. "There'd be boys, yeah. We used to date and break up with guys at the same time. We both fooled around. But… we always came back to each other. I never felt anything with any of those other guys, but when I was with her…" she trails off.

Tina hates herself for it, but she has to ask, "You mean, you two…"

There's a sharp intake of breath, and Santana's voice is panicked when she speaks again, "I thought there was no judgement here. It's my personal life. I can hang up and never-"

"I didn't mean it like that," Tina rushes. "I just wanted to make sure I understand." Tina's realised Santana thinks she's talking with a helpline by this point, and is trying very hard to fit that role. An anonymous person who can listen and give advice. "I'm not judging you. Really. I just wanted to clarify. You… you're mad at this… boy… because he's with your best friend, when you feel you should be?"

Santana mulls over that for a moment. "No, I… I mean, we're not… we weren't dating or anything like that… we just… and then…"

Her fall into silence says it all. Santana is jealous of Artie.

They both stay quiet for a while, and then Santana mutters something and hangs up. And Tina's left wondering just what happened.

* * *

The next day at school Tina has Geography first period. And lucky her, she notes as she walks into the classroom, the names on the chalkboard indicate she's presenting third. Wonderful. It's Monday morning and she gets to start off the day by forcing herself not to have a panic attack as she gives a presentation to a room full of teenagers who do not care about glacier formations.

Thankfully, after the late conversation with Santana – Tina still hasn't figured out how the other girl managed to call her instead of who she intended – Tina fell into a nice, undisturbed sleep. She also got up with her alarm; she's slept in sometimes and that always throws her whole morning off. She also got to open a fresh box of cereal – Corn Flakes, she hasn't been able to eat Cheerios since high school started, it's too weird. Overall, her morning hasn't been that bad.

So she's hoping the Geography presentation follows the pattern.

And then, as she's sitting at her desk and taking out her report, she sees Santana walk into the room. Right. Santana's in this class too. Tina turns sideways in her chair and watches the Latina make her way to her usual spot at the back of the classroom and drop into her chair. Santana glances at the board and sees she's not presenting today, so she leans back in her chair, pulls out her phone, and starts texting.

Tina studies the girl. There are no signs of her tearful, late night phone call. Her makeup is done to perfection, her nails gleam red as they fly over the keys of her phone, and her ever-present Cheerio's uniform is clean and polished, shirt tight against her front, skirt splayed over her legs.

Santana doesn't so much as look at her, so Tina can safely assume the girl never realised they spoke on the phone last night.

Her eyes eventually do lift though, as if feeling Tina's gaze. "What?" she asks lazily. If it were anyone else, Tina's fairly certain Santana would have snapped. But, as much as Santana won't admit it, she is nicer to her fellow Glee kids, if only slightly.

Tina hesitates a moment, not sure how to cover up for why she was staring. Eventually, she blurts out, "Finn texted me. Glee rehearsal today at lunch. We're practising for his mom's wedding."

"I thought that was after school."

Tina shakes her head, "No. I mean, yes, we're going after school too, but that's for our main number. Lunch today is because Finn wants to do something special for Kurt. A surprise."

Santana tenses slightly, nods, and then drops her eyes back down to her phone. Tina quickly turns away, and just in time, as the teacher grabs the class' attention and calls the first presenter up.

Tina stops worrying about Santana and starts panicking about her report. Public speaking has never been her favourite.


	2. Chapter 2

The next time it happens Tina is actually awake. It's Thursday night of the same week and she stayed up late watching that week's new episode of House on her laptop – the medical mystery part of the show is cool, okay? She likes trying to guess what's wrong along with the characters – and then she and Mike had a good hour long talk on the phone about the pros and cons of him teaching her how to ice skate once the weather gets colder. And then she'd realised there was that Chemistry homework she'd neglected to do. Oops.

So she's sitting at her desk, scribbling away about the different kinds of chemical bonds, when her phone rings. She quickly opens it to make it stop ringing. If she was going to be getting late night calls she needs to remember to turn down the volume. Her parents did not need to know she was staying up so late to do homework. That could only end badly.

"Hello?"

Silence for a moment, then, "I'm just going to start and hope I get this out before I start crying, okay?"

It's Santana. "Oh-um-okay." She's not exactly prepared for this.

Santana takes a deep breath, seems to count to five, and then begins. "I don't know where you are exactly, but I'm guessing you're in some call centre somewhere in some big, accepting, tolerating city.

"But I'm not. I live in a fucking cow town with a crap mall and only one good place to eat." She sounds different today. Harsh, not sad like she was last time. The words are bitter as she spits them out.

"I live in a stupid fucking town where I know what it is I've been doing is not fucking accepted." Tina cringes at the curses as they fly from Santana's mouth, but she stays quiet.

"I just… everything here is so fucking hard and I can't do shit about it. I mean, there is  _one_  gay kid at my high school and he gets bullied to a bloody pulp so often that I… I can't…" She stops, breathing heavily and trying to calm herself down.

Tina is a little shocked by this admission. So shocked, she has no idea how to respond, how to help.

"I… I'm not gay," Santana says after a while, and it's quiet and painful and Tina frowns. "I… I can't be."

And that's what makes Tina's heartbreak. That Santana  _can't_  be. Not that she won't let herself; that she feels she physically can't be because of the world she lives in.

Eventually, Tina realises she needs to say something or Santana is going to hang up on her. "There's… there's nothing wrong with being gay," she starts, catching herself before she adds the girl's name on the end of her sentence. "I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying… there's nothing wrong with being gay, or bi, or simply curious. It… I can see why it might be hard where you live…" She feels herself straying; she has no idea how she is supposed to give advice on something like this.

"I just don't know what to do. There's this… this girl. And we… we're best friends. And we sleep together. Slept. Past. We used to. Now she has a boyfriend.

"And this didn't use to stop us. We both used to date other people and still hook up with each other. But this time… this time it's different because he…" she stops, and Tina can tell she's trying very hard to find a way to describe Artie without being overly rude. "It's different because he's… not the usual kind of guy… she's breaking the rules, going out with him. And now we're being awkward around each other and it hurts simply to touch her and I'm afraid I broke something." She gives a frustrated sigh.

"Why do you think this is your fault?"

"Because I'm a stupid fuck-up and she's a freaking bowl of sunshine and I just know this is me and my fault and at first she was punishing me and now she's just hurting me and I don't think she even realises it. God, I'm so stupid." She spits the words so venomously Tina flinches back in her chair.

"You… you're not stupid," Tina says gently.

"You don't even know me. I'm a selfish bitch who uses people and manipulates them and crushes everyone so she can be on top."

"You care about her though, don't you?"

This proves to be too much though, because Santana murmurs a "that's the problem though, isn't it?" and hangs up.

* * *

The third time it happens it's Saturday night and Tina's exhausted from the wedding. Because Jesus, her boyfriend can dance, and that means she has to dance with him. Not that that is a bad thing, she's a good dancer too. It's just that Mike can dance  _longer_  than she can. Hours longer. Without stopping. And he isn't wearing high heels.

It's just after two in the morning and she can't fall asleep because her legs are so numb by this point that they're actually keeping her from dozing off. So when her phone rings it's a welcome distraction.

"Hello," she says tiredly but smiles as she sees Santana's name on the display.

"You again," Santana says, recognising her voice, "I've gotten you a few times now. You, the woman with the squeaky voice, and the guy with the rumble. I get you guys often."

It's here Tina realises whatever number Santana's been calling, she only misdials and calls Tina instead some of the time, if she recognises Tina's voice along with two others.

Tina's not really sure how she feels about this. It makes her… sad. The way Santana spoke, it was so casual, as if this calling is part of a routine now. As if her admitting she needs help only to complete strangers is routine now.

She's tried reaching out to Santana in person once or twice during the last week after the first call, but the Santana on the phone is not the same Santana at school. In classes and in Glee Club she acts the same, distanced from everything, stoic when talking with everyone. She sits with Puck and Quinn, and sometimes Brittany, but Brittany is usually sitting next to Artie now.

How often is Santana calling this mystery number?

They don't talk for long; both of them are tired from the party. Santana mainly talks about being at 'some wedding' and how painful it was dancing with 'her.' Tina knows what wedding it was, she was there too. And she knows who 'she' is. She had been watching.

Brittany and Santana, paired with Artie and Puck for the choreography, ended up dancing together down the aisle as if nothing was wrong. It looked like they'd forgotten themselves then, because they were a lot more awkward during the reception. Brittany had danced with Artie a lot, but the odd mixture of him sitting and her standing only lasted so long. Eventually, the floor had been taken over by Brittany, Mike, Sam and herself, and Brittany had dragged Santana out too. They had danced together, not  _together_  together though, from what Tina had seen. Their bodies gravitated towards each other, but Santana's smile was stiff and she kept from physically touching Brittany as often as possible.

It was sad, because they used to be so in synch with each other.

Eventually, Santana hangs up. She doesn't cry at all this time, she just sounds miserable. Tina lies awake for a long time, trying to think up scenarios in which she can help the other girl. She can't exactly tell Santana that she's been calling Tina by mistake. She's not sure how Santana would react, but Tina saw that bitch-fight with Quinn at the beginning of the year, and Tina is a lot meeker and not as strong as Quinn is.

She settles for simply trying to be there for Santana. For now at least. Santana doesn't seem like she's a danger to herself, so maybe being there for her and making more of an effort to be her friend will do until she can think up another way to help.

* * *

Tina's been wondering about Santana a lot lately. It's only been a few days since the last call – the one after the wedding – but she's wondering if things are getting any better for the Latina.

She's also been wondering how exactly Santana has misdialed a number three times and not noticed.

The opportunity to see presents itself easily enough. That Monday at school Kurt delivers his news that he's transferring to a school that has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. It's horribly sad, knowing that in order to feel safe Kurt needs to transfer to a school two hours away. They're all shocked into silence when he first tells them, and as devastated as she is for Kurt, Tina still catches the look on Santana's face. Santana's never been that close with Kurt, and yes, her face shows she's upset he's leaving, but it's the pure fear etched on Santana's face that Tina notices. Santana tries to hide it, and maybe it's because no one else is looking for it because they're all looking at Kurt that no one else sees it, but Tina does. Santana is actually scared of the idea that Kurt needs to transfer schools.

Kurt storms out of the choir room after he tells them, trying to be strong as he gets through his last day. As can be assumed, it doesn't take long for the rest of Glee Club to have organised a farewell number to sing to him after school.

They all meet in the choir room after classes end, quickly going over what it is they're going to do – a simple number with little choreography, this is more about the message than the dancing. It's settled. They leave their things in the room and sneak into the auditorium, with Mercedes being the one to convince Kurt to stop by there before he leaves. He's surprised, that's for sure. There are smiles, mixed with both sad and happy tears.

At some point, when they've finished singing and are just lounging in the comfy chairs talking about all the things Kurt will miss, Tina's phone buzzes in her pocket. It's her mother, wondering where she is. Right. She forgot to tell her mom she was staying late today, since they didn't technically have a Glee rehearsal after school. She and Mike bid Kurt a final hug farewell and head to the choir room to grab their things.

Santana's bag is sitting on the floor right next to Tina's.

She knows she shouldn't and that it's wrong and all that. But she needs to know. She  _needs_  to know if Santana is okay.

She tells Mike to go on ahead, and once the choir room door closes and she's alone she moves. Tina takes out Santana's cell phone and opens it, scrolling to the recent calls.

Her jaw drops. Her eyes prickle a little bit.

For the past three weeks, Santana has been calling someone named Trevor at roughly 2:30 in the morning, save for the three times last week she called Tina instead. Tina reasons that if Santana sorts her contact list alphabetically by first name like Mike does, instead of by last name like herself, then it would be fairly easy to hit Tina's name instead of Trevor.

Now the question is: who is this Trevor? Is he a real person, or is it just a name disguised to keep people from knowing who she's calling?

She clicks one of the entries so that Trevor's number is displayed. It's not a regular phone number; she realises she was right about Santana phoning a helpline. She stares at the numbers for a few minutes, committing them to memory, then closes the phone, puts it back in Santana's bag, and dashes out to meet Mike before anyone catches her.

Tina calls the number after dinner that night and finds out Santana's been calling The Trevor Lifeline. She Googles it, because she's heard the name but doesn't know exactly what it is. Google doesn't fail her.

The website describes it as a  _national organisation providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning youth._

She sits and stares at the screen for a long time, reading the words over and over again. Her heart squeezes painfully inside her chest. Suicide prevention. Lesbian. Questioning youth.

Santana's been calling the lifeline on and off for three weeks now, trying to reach out to someone because she feels there isn't anyone in her life she can talk to.

Santana doesn't call that night, and Tina is a little bit thankful. She spends most of the evening sitting on her bed, slow tears rolling down her cheeks. She feels awful, thinking about how alone Santana must feel.

Even if she isn't labelling herself as gay, the fact that Santana – head bitch Cheerio second only to Quinn and with a reputation for being a tough, aggressive badass – is calling  _this_ number means something. It means that even if she won't admit to her sexuality, she's still aware of her feelings and has managed to find the best helpline for someone in her situation to call. It means that as much as she pushes it all down, she's still aware of who she might be on some level, and is reaching out to people she knows won't judge her.

The three calls Santana made to Tina over the past few days didn't sound like she was in danger of suicide, she simply needed someone to talk to and maybe give her advice, but it still changes things. Santana's calling a suicide hotline. It makes Tina uncomfortable with worry and she debates for a long time about whether or not she should tell someone.

Eventually, she settles on no, because Santana isn't in danger at this point. She's only calling to talk to someone.

She makes an effort to be even further there for Santana at any chance possible. She smiles at her when she sees her in the halls, manages to convince Santana to work with her during an in-class Geography project, and sits closer to her in Glee Club.

Though she has to be careful about that last one. She can't sit right beside her every single time, or else Santana – or Mike for that matter – might catch on that something's up. Instead, she opts for sometimes sitting next to her or having Mike sit next to her and Tina herself sitting one seat over, sometimes she sits in the seat directly in front of the Latina, sometimes she sits in the seat directly behind.

She's trying to look out for her. It's the most she can do at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

It's the end of November and getting close to Sectionals. The calls are still happening.

It's easy enough now to see how Santana is hitting Tina's name on her phone instead of the Trevor entry. The last two times she's called Santana's been in crying; it's probably hard to see when she hits the wrong button when she's trying to see through blurry, tear-filled eyes.

Each call is about Brittany, and Artie, and how confused and hurt Santana is. They haven't so much as kissed since Brittany and Artie became an official couple – something Santana apparently isn't used to, the no kissing thing – and the longer it goes on the more anxious and awkward Santana gets when she's around her best friend.

Essentially, Santana no longer knows how to act around Brittany. From what Tina can see in Glee Club, they look like they're doing okay. In their matching Cheerio winter jackets they sit together sometimes, smiling and giggling, but looking harder Tina can see how forced and stiff Santana is with the blonde. Gone are the days where they rest their heads on each other's shoulders or drape their legs in each other's laps.

She hasn't seen them link their pinkies in weeks, now that she thinks about it.

The only touching is on Brittany's part. Brittany initiates the touch and Santana pretends not to be burned by it. Santana never fully reaches out to Brittany. She starts, but then she catches herself and pulls back.

She doesn't know how to act around her best friend.

Tina can't even begin to imagine that; what it would be like if she didn't know how to act around Mercedes or Kurt, or Mike, or anyone from Glee Club. They're her friends. They're her family. They're there for each other.

But as far as Santana thinks, the only people there for her are a set of complete strangers on an anonymous helpline.

Santana slowly starts to act differently too. She stops participating in Geography class; grows, if possible, even bitchier to everyone in Glee; and, if what she overheard Quinn scolding Santana for in the washroom is true, her grades are slipping.

That last one is bad, because if Santana can't keep up her grades, she can't stay on the Cheerios.

Overall, Santana just looks tired. When she isn't looking like she's about to snap at someone, she looks sad and lonely and tired. She stares longingly at Brittany. And she gives Artie looks of both hate and sadness, because he has what she can't.

Santana needs some form of happiness in her life.

And again, an opportunity presents itself.

Mr Schue announces that Sectionals is around the corner, and that he has new ideas for how they are going to win.

One of these ideas is that Mike and Brittany will be as featured dancers.

Even in her excitement for her boyfriend getting to show off what he does best, Tina doesn't miss the blazing smile Santana sports when she hears the news. She is genuinely happy for Brittany, happy that Brittany is getting a solo.

A solo.

There's that little bout of opportunity Tina's been looking for.

She goes to Mr Schue the next morning, catching him in his office before classes start.

She's not exactly sure how to go about doing this, so she just dives in head first.

"Mr Schue?" she asks, knocking on the door.

"Hey, Tina. What's up?"

"Um… it's about your idea for Sectionals." His face falls slightly, thinking she's going to disagree with what he told them yesterday. "No, no, I think it's a good idea. I do. I just… I had a question."

"Okay," he says, offering her the free chair in his office.

She sits across from him, dropping her bag at her feet. "You're having Quinn and Sam sing the duet, right?"

"Yes," he states. "They'll start us off and I think we'll have everyone join in at the end. They're looking up songs and are going to give us their ideas at our next rehearsal."

"So…" she states carefully, "That one will… kind of be a group number too?"

"I guess, a little bit."

She nods. Last year at Sectionals they had a solo song along with their group number. She voices this to him.

"Yeah," he answers. "I was thinking about that. For Mike and Brittany's number maybe, having them dancing around the main soloist. I know Rachel's upset about not getting the duet, I figure she'll want-"

"A-actually," she starts and then stops, nerves catching her.

He misreads her. His eyes widen and he takes in that she's in his office asking about solos, "Tina, did you want the solo?"

"No," she rushes out, and then realises she should probably fix that. "I mean, yes, after Sectionals maybe. A solo song would be fun. I… I don't know if I'm ready to do it in front of a whole bunch of people right now though…" she trails off, already envisioning the disaster.

"Okay, then… Did you want to make a suggestion? Mercedes maybe? I know she was supposed to do the solo song at Sectionals last year."

"Actually, um, I was thinking maybe… Santana?"

"Santana?" he parrots.

"Santana," she confirms, her voice growing more confident. She knows this is right; she just needs to make him see it too.

"Tina, I don't know. I mean, yeah, she has a great voice, but she's never done a solo song before in Glee, and this is a competition. I don't know how she'd feel-"

"She's done two duets with Mercedes and seemed pretty happy doing them. Well, when she wasn't attacking people anyways. And she had a solo part during Don't Stop Believing at Regionals last year. This time it would simply be the whole song."

He considers this but then opens his mouth to shoot her down. She talks over him. "Look, I think… I think she needs this right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she…" Tina knows not to give too much away. This isn't her story to tell, and it isn't at the point where she feels compelled to tell an adult about the situation. "She doesn't like to talk about it, but… I think she's going through something. Something difficult. At home, I mean. She seems… sadder lately. And meaner. And I caught her crying in the girls' bathroom a few times over the past few weeks." Not a complete lie, she has caught Santana crying, just the location is wrong. "I think she could do with something to make her happy."

"And you think that a solo at Sectionals is that thing?" He sounds doubtful.

"Last year at Sectionals, when we found out Coach Sylvester leaked our set list, Santana said Glee was the best part of her day. She wasn't lying. I know how much she loves being here; getting to sing and dance and be herself." Be herself. That's the biggest part. She can be herself in Glee Club. She feels safe there. "I think giving her this might… it won't make the personal things she's dealing with any better, but it will at least give her a chance to smile, even for a little while."

And dancing around on stage with Brittany might help a little bit too, right?

Mr Schue looks at Tina with fondness; as if he's proud she's realised this about Santana. "I'll consider it," he says, even though his eyes say  _I think you're absolutely right._

* * *

He tells them the next time he sees them. Or, well, he makes a big show of having everyone interested in the solo at Sectionals put their names in a hat. Tina knows she's done the right thing as she sees a quick flash of a smile on Santana's face when Mr Schue says the words  _solo at Sectionals._  Santana does want it. Even if she won't admit it. Santana is one of the people writing her name on a slip of paper.

Tina isn't really sure how he manages it, but once all the names are in the hat Mr Schue closes his eyes, sticks his hand inside the hat, and draws out a slip of paper.

"And our soloist at Sectionals, should they choose to accept their role, is… Santana."

There's a stunned silence for a moment. Rachel thankfully holds her tongue, realising she can't argue with this because he drew the name out of a hat so it must be fair.

Santana blinks, looking very surprised at hearing her own name being called.

Tina and Quinn erupt in applause immediately and everyone else follows suit. Brittany squeals in delight.

"Really?" Santana asks timidly, and Tina is pretty sure this is the first time she's ever heard Santana say anything timidly.

"I think you've earned it," Mr Schue says with a genuine smile. He catches Tina's eye, and she knows that if ten other pairs of eyes weren't watching him, he'd be winking at her.

Tina, sitting next Santana this time, reaches over and claps a hand on her shoulder, "That means you get to sing while Mike and Brittany dance around with you at the front of the stage."

Santana can't even try to hide the smile on her lips; the idea of her soloing with her best friend is clearly one of the happiest things she's heard in a long time. Brittany squeals again and suddenly everyone is standing up and congratulating Santana. Quinn hugs her. Puck slaps her on the back. Mercedes high fives her.

Brittany smiles and gives her a quick hug. Tina sees the pain flash on Santana's face for an instant before she relaxes into her best friend's arms for a moment before pulling away. As the blonde steps away Tina steps in, also giving Santana a hug.

Tina squeezes, and hard too. She wants this hug to mean everything she can't say. That Santana's okay. That she's loved. That things will work out. That she's there for her.

She pulls away quick enough though, not wanting Santana to call her on the gesture. They aren't exactly the hugging kind of friends.

* * *

They tie Kurt, his not-a-boyfriend, and the rest of the Warblers at Sectionals, but Tina doesn't really mind about that. All she cares about is the mega-watt smile on Santana's face.

Their first few rehearsals were stiff – Santana had suddenly realised that her singing while Brittany danced meant she was going to have to act like nothing was wrong between them. But it had faded fast enough; watching Brittany dance like a maniac with Mike took care of the awkwardness.

From the moment she starts singing all through until the end of the bus ride home Santana smiles. She smiles because they did so well. She smiles because she's with her friends. She smiles because she delivered a killer solo. And she smiles because Brittany was right there beside her the whole time.

Tina thinks Valerie went over amazingly, but she might be biased because her boyfriend was dancing up a storm. Either way, she's glad she's given Santana this. In amongst all her confusion about being around Brittany, Tina's giving her a moment where the two best friends can just be themselves and naturally slip back into what they used to be.

She likes to think of it as an early Christmas present to Santana.


	4. Chapter 4

When her cell phone starts blaring Katy Perry – she really needs to do something about that, both the volume level and maybe it's time to change to a new song – at 2:46 in the morning on Christmas Day Tina's heart sinks. Because she knows what this is before she answers it.

"Hello?" she says hastily as she untangles herself from the bed and darts into the washroom, not wanting to wake Mike up. Her parents letting her stay over at his house for Christmas wasn't so much an accomplishment. It was  _his_  parents agreeing to it that was such a big deal. And she doesn't want to ruin it by waking the house up in the wee hours of the morning.

"Hey, look, it's Mindy again!" Santana's taken to naming the voices she recognises from the call centre, finding it easier to talk to them if she gives them a name; that way she knows who she's told what. When she gets someone she doesn't know she has to start from the beginning, but with the people she recognises she can jump right in.

It's a sad thought, really.

But Tina is Mindy, the quiet one. The other two people - actual people who work for the helpline, unlike Tina – that Santana recognises she's dubbed Geoffrey and Alice.

"Amy," Tina replies softly. "Merry Christmas." She had to give a fake name for Santana simply to keep herself from saying the Latina's name when trying to comfort her. She's almost slipped up way too many times to be called lucky anymore.

"Ugh, whatever."

Tina frowns as she sits down on the side of the bathtub; she had been hoping Santana's happiness from Sectionals would last through until the New Year. She deserved that.

"Not so merry?" she asks gently.

"No. Not the fuck at all." Santana gets sidetracked for a moment, "But how can it be merry for you, Mindy? You're working at a call centre on fucking Christmas morning. Who'd you piss off to score that shit?"

Tina takes a slow breath, "No one. I… I want to be here. I want to help you."

"Whatever."

"Not doing so well?"

Santana says, "No," and Tina can hear the tears she's holding back. No is an understatement.

"Did you want to talk about it?"

"I… I guess," Santana says meekly, her bravado fading. "That's… that's why I keep calling. To talk to someone."

"And I'm here to listen."

"Right… so. Brittany. I'm losing her," she sniffles before she continues. "She wrapped my Christmas gift in the wrong colour."

Tina takes a moment to glance in the mirror and check that she isn't suffering from a head wound, because, what? "I… I'm not following."

"She always wraps my Christmas gifts in green. For birthdays I wrap hers in yellow and she wraps mine in red. And for Christmas, I wrap hers in pink and she wraps mine in green. We've been doing it since we were four. But, last night, the box she gave me, it was stupid red wrapping paper with penguins with bowties on it."

She can tell Santana is trying not to cry, but Tina is on the opposite side of the spectrum, trying not to smile at how cute the sentiment is.

"It's never happened before, her using the wrong colour."

"Maybe she forgot? Maybe she didn't have the right colour?"

"No," Santana says so viciously that Tina can picture her shaking her head. "It's whatever this stupid thing is that's going on. I can't fucking get a grip on my feelings and she… she's forgetting me."

"She isn't forgetting you."

"Yes, she is! I can see it. Every time she holds that cripple's hands I can see her forgetting me. We used to be so close. You know I haven't been over to her house in months? And she hasn't been to mine? We're just pretending to still be friends at school, but there's nothing else.

"It was so much easier before. We had a rule. Sex isn't dating. We date whoever we can to help us get higher on the social ladder. We sleep with them if necessary. But we mainly slept with each other. Sex isn't dating. Sex  _isn't_  dating. There were no feelings involved. It was just something we did." Santana's talking really fast now, her words blurring together like the tears Tina knows are sliding down her cheeks.

"I mean, yeah, it's probably not what every pair of best friends do." No, Tina thinks, probably not. "But it just happened the one time, we were sneaking stuff from my dad's liquor cabinet and we were all giggly and she just leaned over and kissed me."

Tina's never heard this part of the story before and she's not sure if she should stop Santana or not. Santana thinks she's safely relaying this information to a stranger somewhere in another state, not a girl she knows and goes to school with.

"And then it just kept happening, the kissing. And then we were sleeping together. And it wasn't about the feelings. It was just about the sex. Making each other feel good. We had it totally worked out." Santana makes a frustrated noise, and Tina figures she's violently trying to wipe her tears away with the heel of her hand. She frowns at the mental image. She doesn't really like to see anyone cry, much less on Christmas.

"But of course, I went and fucking blew it and now I can't so much as touch her hand without feeling like I've been set on fire. And she acts like she doesn't notice. Like it isn't that big a deal, dating him and  _only_  being friends with me. She acts like it isn't killing her."

A strangled sob breaks through, but before Tina can respond the Latina is talking again, "Oh God, what if it isn't killing her the way it's killing me? What if she likes it better like this? What if she never wants to go back? What if she-"

"S-Amy," Tina catches herself, "From the way you talk about this girl, I think she cares about you just as much as you care about her. I don't think this is easy for her, either."

It isn't. She watches Brittany sometimes too. Brittany is better at putting on a happy face than Santana is, but Tina can see the sad glances she sends Santana's way every so often. The strain on their friendship is killing the both of them.

"But it's my fault!" Santana insists tearfully, "Twice over! I'm the one that developed feelings, and I'm the one that shot her down."

Tina chooses to deal with each of those separately.

First of all, "Amy, I don't think you're the only one who developed feelings. You two wouldn't have gotten this far if she didn't feel something too."

"Brittany feels something with everyone! That's the whole point! That's who she is! She's sunshine and kittens and I'm fucking dark storm clouds."

Except when you're around her, Tina adds silently to herself. You used to be sunshine whenever you were around her.

"Amy-"

"You don't know her. Brittany developing feelings – whatever kind they are – isn't the problem. She knew the rules. No feelings involved. Keep them to yourself.  _I'm_  the one that developed feelings where I shouldn't have. I'm the one that fell in l-" she chokes on her own words, crying.

Tina wishes she wasn't sitting in Mike's bathroom in her pyjamas holding her cell phone. She wishes she were sitting next to Santana, able to rub her back and whisper soft words to calm her down.

It hurts, knowing Santana is crying. But it hurts more knowing she can't see it, that Santana won't allow anyone to see her cry. That she's hiding behind anonymity. Tina wants to reach out and comfort the girl so badly.

She settles for murmuring words of encouragement into the phone until Santana's tears lessen.

Santana speaks again after a while, her voice raw with emotion, "I'm the one that fell in love with my best friend. With my girl best friend. I did this too myself."

Tina's never heard Santana use that word before in their late night conversations. Love. She's in love with Brittany.

It's pretty clear. Even if she and the Latina weren't talking like this, Tina's pretty sure she'd be able to realise the two were meant for each other.

But, Tina thinks, it's a big step that she can say it out loud. That she's in love with Brittany. Even if it is only to a stranger and not to Brittany herself, it is a big step for Santana.

Santana's ranting to herself again, "I caused this. I did this. Stupid, stupid. I shouldn't have blown up at her."

"What happened?" Tina asks. Santana has mentioned this before, this one big thing that happened that set the ball into motion, that set Brittany dating Artie the first time around, but she's never come out and put to words what happened.

"Oh no, we aren't going there. I've locked that away. It happened and I'm dealing with it, but I do not want to bring it up and relive it. It was hard enough the first time."

Tina tries to think back to when Brittany and Artie started dating the first time – sometime after Finn's whole  _I've found God_ thing maybe? She can't remember exactly. She and Artie weren't on the best terms then. They've gotten past it, but back then it was still a little rough.

But she doesn't remember Brittany and Santana having a big, huge fight. When Santana was feuding with Mercedes, everyone knew about it. When Santana was battling with Quinn, everyone knew about it.

But Tina doesn't remember Santana fighting with Brittany. They may have gotten a little tense, but the dynamic they portrayed to everyone never changed. They fought silently, standing next to each other with fake smiles on their faces.

Kind of like what they're doing now.

She wonders how many other times the pair have fought and no one noticed. She hopes it isn't many.

If Santana isn't ready to talk about whatever she thinks is her fault that caused the mess she's in, then Tina won't push her. She wants to know, wants to try and help, but if Santana isn't ready to deal with it, then that's her decision.

"Whatever, I'm done talking. Merry Christmas. Go kill a fucking reindeer or something."

The line goes dead.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal themes and quasi-suicide attempt in this chapter.

The New Year, first and foremost, brings with it exams. And studying for exams. And the stress of exams.

But Tina doesn't have to give any oral presentations, all of her examinations are written, so that's good. And she and Mike have an awesome study plan that involves grapes and cheese, so everything goes over pretty well.

The semester ends though, which means she won't get to see Santana in Geography class anymore. But Mike now has Math with her, and though she wouldn't tell him why exactly, he promises to keep an eye on her. And they still have Glee Club, where Tina continues to try her best to offer a smile to Santana as often as possible. Along with listening whenever Santana hits the wrong T name on her phone.

It isn't much, but it's something.

The beginning of February however, leaves Tina wishing she could control when Santana called. Because if she could, she'd have Santana call her sometime soon.

Tina never really liked Coach Sylvester. She didn't really like how she treated Kurt and Mercedes when they were on Cheerios; she doesn't really like the way she treats Quinn, Santana, and Brittany; and she doesn't really like the whole  _destroy the Glee Club_  thing.

So when Coach Sylvester first tells Brittany she is going to be shot out of a cannon that will most likely kill her, and then tells the three Cheerios they have to pick between cheerleading and Glee Club? Tina's minimal like for the woman diminishes completely.

She knows Santana is stressing over this decision. She can physically see it. All of Glee Club can. Most of them are assuming the girls will pick the Cheerios, but Tina is hopeful. That solo at Sectionals is fresh in her mind. She knows Santana loves Glee.

But Santana needs the Cheerios, probably more than Quinn and Brittany do. Tina understands that Santana needs that protection around her, to help keep all the things she's hiding locked away.

Physically seeing her wearing down with the pressure is a horrible thing for Tina to have to witness.

Her cell rings late one Tuesday night – if she's being technical, Tina knows it's actually early Wednesday morning – so she sits up and answers it, pulling her blanket up closer over her as she leaves the warm cocoon she's been sleeping in.

It's been almost a week and a half since Santana's mistakenly called her last.

"Hello," she says gently.

There's a fuzzy sound but no voice answers right away.

"Hello, is there someone there?"

"Ground Control to Major Tom," Santana begins. She doesn't sound herself. "Commencing countdown, engines on," she's saying the lyrics in a strange voice, not singing them.

Tina does not like the way this call is starting off. "Amy?" she says carefully.

"Mindy, did I get you again?" Santana's voice sounds far away, "Awesome. I like you. You're so calm. And quiet. Not like Geoffrey. He's assertive. He'd be scolding me already. But you're cool."

"Amy, what's going on?"

There's a strange whooshing noise in the phone that Tina can't place yet, but Santana speaks over it, her voice cynical, "The usual. Shall we discuss my growing dependency on this helpline? I think we should talk about that."

She's slurring her words. Santana's  _noticeably_  slurring her words and Tina immediately feels her stomach clench. This is the first time she's had Santana call when she hasn't been sober.

She doesn't want to know if this has happened before, Santana calling the helpline while she's drunk.

"Have you been drinking?"

"No fun, you're losing cool points," Santana barks.

"Amy-"

"Yeah, I had a few beers. I'm good. I'm just out for a drive."

Tina's pretty sure her heart stops for a moment. "A drive? You're driving and you've been drinking?"

"It was only a few beers," Santana slurs, indicating she's had way more than a few, "I'm totally fine."

"Amy that's d-dangerous-"

"Really, I'm fine. There isn't even like, any trees out here I could hit. Totally flat."

"Sa-Amy please, it's not safe for-"

"Look, I-" there's a clunk and a mumbled "fuck." After a few beats, Santana's speaking again, "Sorry. Dropped the phone."

Tina's fingernails dig into her palm to try to keep from screaming at Santana. She can picture it. Big, empty road. Santana drops her phone, bends down to pick it up, sits up and has to swerve suddenly to avoid hitting something. But she's drunk so her reactions aren't as sharp as they should be and-

Tina does not like this, not at all. Her heart is beating faster with each second, knowing Santana is endangering herself. "Pull over," she says with as much force as she can.

"Chill out," Santana slurs but it only makes Tina more nervous.

"You're scaring me, please.  _Please_."

"Fine, fine, I'm pulling over, okay?" The noise of the wind in the background dies away as Santana's speed decreases. Tina hears the crunch of gravel as the Latina pulls the car onto the shoulder of the road. "There, look at me, all safe and shit."

"Where are you?" Tina asks harshly, momentarily forgetting the character she's supposed to be playing.

"An empty road somewhere. I just needed to get out. Away. Driving seemed like a good idea. But I'm being all fucking responsible,  _just for you_. Happy?"

No. No, Tina is not at all happy. She has no idea how to handle this situation.

But Santana doesn't give her time to formulate a reply before she launches into a rant, "Fuck it, I'm so tired of all of this, it's all just pointless crap that I don't want to deal with. But here I am, being forced to deal with it while the God damn Earth keeps rolling over and over on me."

"I-"

"She's going to die. She's going to fucking  _die_  and I don't even know what to do about it!"

"What?"

Santana explains what Tina already knows, her voice bitter with anger, "Brittany got herself picked to be shot out of a cannon by our insane cheerleading coach. The damn thing is going to kill her. It killed the dummy we shot out. Actually, that was pretty funny," she chuckles darkly, still clearly intoxicated. "Until I realised that was supposed to be Brittany. That ruined it.

"And she's playing all sweet and innocent! She's doing what the coach says even though it is going to kill her but it's like she doesn't even care! Why doesn't she care? She's going to die why the hell doesn't she care?" Santana takes a moment to try to calm down, her voice a low growl as she continues, "And then  _Quinn_  is taking my role and riding the high horse and trying to talk Brittany out of it, like she has any say on what B does. She's the captain but that doesn't mean she can tell Britt what to do!  _I_  should be the one talking to her, not blondie and her stupid ' _Brittany, you need to think about this. You could really hurt yourself. We can't be one woman down for Regionals.'_ Jesus fucking Christ, Quinn, of course, she's going to get hurt. And you're worried about being down a team member for the fucking competition? God, I want to drown the stupid bitch."

Santana continues cursing for a moment, caught up in her anger. "Shit, why is  _she_  the one telling Brittany no? She isn't Brit's best friend. She doesn't  _care_  about her. She just wants to win a fucking trophy. She doesn't care if Brittany dies." Tina finds this very hard to believe, that Quinn wouldn't care, but she doesn't say anything as Santana continues, "Why is she doing my job! Fixing this, stopping Britt, that's what I should be doing."

"So what  _are_  you doing?" Tina asks nervously.

Santana explodes, "That's the question! What am I doing while Quinn tries to convince Brittany not to let herself get killed? I'm standing there watching. Like an idiot. I  _know_  Brittany shouldn't do it but I can't even find the right words to tell her so I'm just letting Quinn do the talking while I stand there looking like the fucking  _idiot_  that I am. Quinn doesn't care, not like I do. She doesn't care if Britt-" her voice breaks and Tina knows that her anger has turned into tears.

There's a clink of glass. Santana has alcohol with her. "Amy, are you-"

"I hate it. I  _hate_ it." There's a pound as Santana's fist impacts the steering wheel and her voice hitches. "Why can't I do anything? I'm just standing there, thinking about how much I don't want her to die. She can't die. She's Brittany." Her voice wavers as she talks through her tears, only half fighting them back at this point. "She can't die. She can't. It isn't allowed. Not her."

Santana takes a moment to cry into the phone and Tina stays quiet, letting her. She knows Santana needs to let this out; she can't keep it bottled up inside of her like a poison. Once she lets it all out, her fear and frustration with Brittany, Tina figures she can try and help Santana decide what to do.

"I can't let her die," Santana whimpers as her tears slow, her voice weak and filled with hurt. "She's Brittany. S-she… she can't leave like that. It's not fair. I can't…" The tears pick up again and Santana fights back a sob. "She can't go away like that. Brittany can't. Brittany  _can't._ Brittany –  _Brittany,_ " Santana says with a sudden clarity. "Brittany can't, but…"

This time Tina knows her heart stops. Because she knows what Santana is going to say before she says it.

"She can't. She can't leave. It isn't allowed. But… but I can. That… that would fix this." Tina knows Santana is still crying, that the tears are still silently running down her tanned cheeks, but her voice has a sudden sharpness to it. "That would make… everyone would be…" She's envisioning it, Tina can almost hear her picturing what it would be like for everyone if she was gone.

"Wait, stop, Sa-A-Amy," Tina stutters nervously, unable to get the right name out. "You don't-"

"I, I do though, this, this works. It-" Her voice hitches. "This will solve everything." The car begins to make a noise, indicating one of the doors has been opened while the car is idling.

Santana's getting outside.

"No! S-Amy, stop!" No, no, no, Santana can't be doing this. She needs to take a moment and calm down and let Tina help, even if Tina has no idea what to do she knows she just needs Santana to stop for a minute. "Amy, please, don't do this."

But Santana isn't listening. "It would fix it all, wouldn't it? Like fucking poetry or something. Brittany could," a sob breaks through as she starts crying heavily again, "Brittany could be with Artie. I wouldn't have to pick between cheerleading and singing. I wouldn't have to watch her as she steps on me to get to him. And all my feelings for Brittany would go away."

"Stop, please-"

"Relax," Santana snaps at her, "It's an empty road." Tina hears Santana sit herself down on the pavement. "No one's around. I just want to know what would happen. A car could come around that bend really fast." She's still crying, talking through her tears and forcing the words out. "They'd see my car sitting on the side of the road with the lights still on, but they wouldn't see me until it's too late."

Santana is in hysterics by this point, latching on to an idea she thinks will make everything better.

Tina isn't equipped to deal with this. Why couldn't Santana have gotten the right number tonight, where there are people trained to deal with this? With suicide? Tina can't do this. She's already freaking out.

"Santana, listen to me!" Tina begs, tears spilling over her cheeks.

But the Latina doesn't catch the use of her actual name; she's too far-gone imagining how it would all play out. "It would make it all so. Much. Easier. No more feelings. No more panic. No more stress. No more  _feelings._ No more loving your best friend while she fucks a cripple and all but forces you to watch."

"Santana-"

"Brittany could be with him," Santana realises. "If I wasn't there, s-she could be with him a-and…" another sob escapes but she forces herself to keep going, "She wouldn't have to choose anymore. She wouldn't have to hurt. It… it would be better for her, for me to go, because then she would stop hurting. I'd stop hurting her. I'd stop making her have to pick who she l-" her voice catches in her throat momentarily. "She could love him and be happy and I wouldn't be hurting her anymore. I wouldn't be killing her. I'm the one killing her. I'm the one making her think she needs to be shot out of that cannon but I can make it all better for her." The clarity with which Santana speaks, despite her tears, hurts Tina so much. That Santana values Brittany's life more than her own.

"It would be better for her, so much easier. It would be fair. None of this is fair but I can make it fair. I can make it so she doesn't have to pick between us. She wouldn't have to deal with me. She wouldn't have to deal with the pain I put her through every day because she's with him and not me. She can h-have him and it w-w-would be so much better if I wasn't there to t-try and s-stop h-h-her." She breaks, her words dying off as her sobs become too heavy to speak through.

Tina's standing by this point, soundless tears falling as she reaches for her bag to get her keys to her dad's car before she realises that she can't go to Santana, not right now. She can't. She doesn't know where Santana is. And she can't ask. She can't ask because Santana doesn't know she's talking with Tina and if she finds out it could end up making this whole thing so much worse. Santana's too delicate at this point, finding out she's been speaking to Tina and not someone at a call centre could push her even farther than she already is.

Her body freezes as her mind silently whirls, trying to figure out what to do.

What is she supposed to  _do_?

Keep calm. She needs a clear head and needs to talk Santana through this. That's what this whole relationship has been about. Talking. She can do this. She can help Santana get through this.

She takes a deep breath, a shaking hand running through her hair as she starts speaking. "Listen. Amy." Santana gives a hysterical sob, "Amy, listen to me! I need you to stand up and walk back to your car." Tina tries as hard as she can to keep the panic from ebbing into her voice. Calm, she repeats to herself, just stay calm.

"I can't," Santana insists. "I can't. This would make it all workout. It would all be better."

"No, Amy, this isn't the way to deal with this. You need to-"

"Please," Santana begs, "Everything will be better if I go away. I wouldn't be in love with Brittany and she wouldn't have to hurt herself by picking him over me. I can take the choice away and make her stop hurting. Everything would – fuck!" Santana swears loudly, her voice all fear and no sob.

There's a scuffle of feet against pavement and then a car door slamming as the sound of another car driving past echoes into the phone. "Bastard almost ran me over! Fuck!"

Tina lets out a heavy exhale, all the fear and tension and pain from seconds ago draining. Santana moved. A car was coming towards her and instead of letting it hit her she moved.

Tina's heart is pounding so hard in her chest it hurts to breathe. It feels like the fear inside her trying to push its way out with sharp claws and angry teeth. But she has to keep going, as much as it hurts listening to Santana when she's like this Tina knows she needs to keep going, needs to keep helping and offer her hand to lead Santana away from her internal cliff.

"Amy," she instructs, her voice soft but firm. "Lock the car doors. Put the beer in the back seat. Put it away."

"Whatever, yeah, I got it," Santana says submissively, the hysterics and fight gone from her voice completely. She's emotionally spent, her body exhausted. The car lock clicks into place and Tina can hear Santana drop two glass bottles into the back seat.

Santana takes a long, deep breath and starts talking. She's crying, but she doesn't sound anywhere near as panic-stricken as before. The tears are a release, not an emotional overload. "I wasn't going to let some jackass kill me, okay? Fucking suicide crisis averted. You did your fucking job." The bark in her voice is gone too, leaving Santana a shell of residual anger and pain.

"Amy-"

"I just wish I knew what to do," she whimpers. "About Brittany. About all of this. I have no clue what to do about the fact that I am in love with my best friend and she has no idea."

"I think she knows." Brittany has to know. There is no way Brittany can't know.

"She's still fucking wheelchair boy. Kind of makes me think either she doesn't know or doesn't care. Fuck! Fuck, let it be the first one. B cares. She'd care. She has to care." Santana starts talking to herself, half muttered sobs about how Brittany has to care about her.

Tina thinks that, for the most part, Santana is out of danger. For the time being anyway. She's shifted away from hysterical sobbing into quiet, miserable crying. She's hurting, but she moved away from that car. That means something. The worst is over.

"Amy, is there anyone you can call? Someone who can come and get you?" Santana shouldn't be alone right now. If it wouldn't mess up the tentative and ultimately false relationship they have, Tina herself would go and get the other girl.

"I'm only a mile from my house," she sniffs. Tina can picture her wiping the heel of her hand across her face to take away her tears, "I'm fine."

Tina leans against her windowsill to keep from pacing her room, "No, you're not-"

"I'm fine, okay? I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just depressed. I can fucking drive home just fine."

Tears prick against Tina's eyes. She can tell she is taking this much more seriously than Santana is. Santana's been drinking and is feeling alone and hurt and miserable about her situation with Brittany. She's acting impulsively and not thinking through what she's suggesting. She's only thinking about ending Brittany's pain, she's not realising how one rash decision would affect everyone around her.

It hurts, knowing Santana can latch on to such a serious idea and then brush it off, insisting she's fine when clearly she isn't if she can talk about ending her life so seriously. "San-"

"Really, I swear. I'm not going to like, drive off a cliff or something. Damn it, I don't even know where the nearest fucking cliff  _is_." Her anger is picking up again, "I'm just pissed about B and the Cheerios and that damn cannon and why the fuck does Quinn get to ride the high horse?  _I'm_  the one that cares if Brittany dies.

"Shit, Mindy, what if Brittany dies? What if she goes through with it and she dies? I don't think I could live through that. It would kill me."

"You need to convince her not to," Tina insists, hearing the tears in her own voice. She pushes them down; she needs to be the strong one right now.

Santana sounds so small and childlike when she asks, "Do you think she'd listen to me?"

"You love her, don't you?"

The other girl takes a long moment to think this over, "Yeah. You're right. Okay. Okay, I'll tell her I don't want her to die." There's a pause and then Santana says with sincerity, "Thanks, Mindy. For… you know. I own you one."

And Santana hangs up before Tina can get another word in.

Tina stands there, leaning against her window sill. Her tears are still sliding down her cheeks.

She listened to Santana toy with the idea of suicide.

She managed to talk Santana out of it.

But Santana was still contemplating suicide.

Her legs buckle and she lands hard on the floor. Her phone blares the dial-tone loudly at her. Tina reaches up and tugs the heavy blanket off the bed and onto the floor, pulling it around her shoulders. Then she closes the phone, opens it again, and dials.

There are four rings before a sleepy answer, "'lo?"

Tina sniffles once, trying to hold back.

"Hello?" Mike says again.

"M-M-Mike," she stutters, choking back a sob as her frayed nerves begin to give way to panic. What did she just live through on the phone?

"Tina?" Mike asks, the sleep fading from his voice. "Tina, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I… I just n-needed to h-hear your v- your voice," she manages to get out before she loses her battle. She curls into a tight ball on the floor, knees against her chest and blanket wrapped tightly around her as she shakes and cries into the phone.

Tina cries for a long time, completely overwhelmed by her feelings. Santana almost died. It keeps running through her head. Santana almost died and Tina was on the phone with her. The pressures of keeping this charade up are getting to her; she doesn't know how much longer she can keep doing this. Especially if nights like tonight are going to happen again.

God, she hopes they don't happen again. She can't do this again.

Eventually, Tina cries herself to sleep, and all the while Mike whispers things like, "Shhh, it's okay, it'll be alright" and "I'm here, Tina, I'm right here" in her ear.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day at school is a hard one. Really hard. All the Cheerios are excused from their classes thanks to Coach Sylvester so they can spend the entire day practising their Regionals routine, so Tina doesn't see Santana in the halls at all during the day. This causes her to simmer with worry all through classes, like a pot left alone to stew. And it only gets worse as the day goes on. She has no idea if Santana is even  _with_  the Cheerios, if she even came to school, or if she's still freaked about what happened last night.

Mike doesn't verbally ask her what happened on the phone the night before, why she called him so late and why all she did was cry. But he asks with his eyes, wanting to know if she's okay. She forces a smile to say she's alright, shakes her head to say she doesn't want to talk about it, and then hugs him to say she loves him as they make their way to their next class.

She catches up with Sam later, who says he's seen both his girlfriend and Santana. Tina doesn't have time to explain why this news makes her so happy, just smiles her thanks and runs off to her next class. Just knowing Santana made it to school after the scare of last night is good news.

However, Tina forgot she wouldn't be able to see Santana and the two blondes in Glee Club today, and is confused for a few moments when she enters the room. Right, the three girls have chosen the cheerleading championship over the Glee Club's half time performance at the football game. Not that she would have really gotten a great look at Santana anyway even if she was there rehearsing with them, because that last Glee rehearsal is spent, not practising their halftime routine, but by being drilled by the guys on football. The girls are going to play tonight, so the guys are giving them all the advice they can. It's nerve-wracking.

That night at the game after she gets tackled when running with the ball – more in shock pain, there isn't a whole lot of residual pain, thankfully – Finn disappears and the team gets pretty discouraged. They're going to lose. The girls’ plan to help out isn't doing so well.

But then the half time show starts and Quinn and Brittany and Santana are right there, singing and dancing alongside the Glee Club and the football players. Throughout the number, Tina takes as many glances at Santana as she can. All smiles. No hint of depression on her heavily zombie makeup-ed face. Santana belts her notes with a fiery passion that Tina knows must mean that despite whatever happened last night, Santana is okay now. She couldn't be acting this collected if she were still debating sitting on a deserted road in the middle of the night, waiting for a car to come by and hit her.

Tina gets a better look at her once the game starts up again and the Glee girls join the three Cheerios in cheering on the rest of the football team. Brittany bounces on her feet while Quinn blows kisses and gives flirty smiles to Sam. Santana just stands and smiles, but it's a bright smile.

It makes the worry that has been brewing all day within Tina fade away. Santana is alright.

"You okay?" she asks, just to clarify, glancing quickly at Santana and then back at the field, trying to be subtle.

"Yeah?" the Latina questions lightly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Tina's hands fidget at her sides, "Well, I mean…" how is she supposed to ask what she wants without actually asking it? "You just quit Cheerios, so…"

Santana smirks, "Right now, it isn't seeming like it was a bad idea. I mean," she looks down at her outfit, "This was a lot of fun." Her eyes lift to look out at field fondly, "I'll probably regret it tomorrow. Maybe. Dunno. Coach is insane, I won't miss that. But right now I'm doing alright."

"You sure?" Tina asks hesitantly. "You seem… down." She doesn't, not really, quite the opposite actually. But Tina wants confirmation that Santana is okay. She hopes she isn't being too pushy.

The other girl sighs, "I had a… a rough night last night. Did a few stupid things. But," she shrugs, "I had some help. Got through it." She glances at Brittany, cheering and bouncing up and down next to Mercedes a few feet away. "My best friend wasn't killed because of some stupid cheerleading stunt, so that's a reason to be happy." She says a lot more with her eyes than her words during that sentence. She's happy that Brittany is alive. She's happy that they are both alive.

She looks out at the field again, watching their team run and tackle with enthusiasm. "I think I just needed… a reminder. That I love this," she nods her head at the Glee girls standing around them. "I think I forgot for a little while. But this is worth it. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. I just needed to remember that and not give up. So right now, I'm good."

Tina knows Santana is trying to be cryptic, but she is able to understand the message perfectly. "I'm glad," Tina says, smiling. The fear is still there, coiling inside, but seeing Santana smiling so easily makes her calm. It isn't over yet, Santana's war, but she just won a significant battle.

* * *

Tina is sleeping at her desk when her phone goes off. She finally changed the ring tone, now it's some techno dance number Mike loves. They were hanging out in his backyard last weekend and she stole his phone and called hers repeatedly, simply because each time it rang he started dancing. Mike is an adorable dork sometimes. It's why she loves him.

She shuffles the crunched History homework she fell asleep on out of the way and digs her phone up from under the mess. Damn, she didn't finish outlining the map of Ancient Rome. She's pretty sure she needs to hand that in during her next class.

Flipping open the phone while simultaneously grabbing a pencil and beginning to label all the necessary parts of the map, Tina glances at her clock. It's only two in the morning. Santana's early.

But it's the day before Valentine's Day – or, well, it  _is_  Valentine's Day now – and the whole week has been pretty rough for the other girl.

Brittany and Artie being all BrittanyandArtie in front of her, Puck choosing Lauren over her, the minor Rachel versus Santana fight in the choir room, and the whole Finn-Quinn-Sam-Santana mono debacle. She isn't surprised to hear from Santana tonight. Santana's had a bad week that is probably only going to keep getting worse.

"I fucking hate this holiday," she grumbles into the phone. Tina hums a response, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

Santana isn't actually crying tonight, she just sounds deeply depressed. Which Tina can understand. Santana isn't the type of girl used to being single on Valentine's Day.

Plus, seeing the girl she's in love with fawning over a guy she hates probably doesn't help.

Brittany's been extra fawn-y actually. Tina's sure this isn't the first time Brittany's had a date for Valentine's, but she wonders if it's the first time Brittany's had an actual boyfriend for Valentine's Day. That might be why it's so significant to her.

It's hard for Tina to watch sometimes. She's friends with Brittany and Artie separately, and clearly, they make each other happy. She really likes seeing them together.

But then one look at Santana and Tina's resolve breaks. Brittany is happy. Santana deserves that too. Tina needs to not focus on Brittany and work on getting Santana to feel better.

"I feel… everything is falling apart right now. My social life, my friends, my grades… I've failed two tests in a row. I lost cheerleading. I just feel… empty inside."

"It won't last forever," Tina insists, trying to be positive. "You said you two have been doing better lately?"

"Yeah. I guess. After… after we quit the Cheerios. Things are becoming less forced between us. It's weird. But it's nice."

"That's good then, right?"

"What if it isn't, though?"

Tina sighs, Santana doesn't really understand the whole  _be positive_  thing, "What do you mean?"

"What if it isn't us moving back towards where we were before, what if I'm simply getting used to where we are now? What if I'm getting used to the idea that I'll never have her?"

The frown that pulls at Tina's face is deep as she presses the phone closer to her ear. "You can't talk like that."

"It's true though. I totally blew it. I'm the one that put us in this mess. If I had just… if I had just trusted her then she wouldn't be dating the cripple and we'd still be friends and we'd be happy and I wouldn't be sitting here alone wishing I could just see her smile.

"She has the most beautiful damn smile. I see it and I just…"

Melt, Tina finishes. When Brittany smiles, Santana melts. Even when it is almost too painful for Santana to be in the same room, she still melts.

"What happened," Tina asked, repeating the same question she'd asked at Christmas. "What happened that you…?"

For a long tense moment, Tina thinks Santana will clam up like before. Instead, she sighs heavily and says, "She asked me to sing with her. A duet. I… I panicked."

The pieces fall together for Tina. Why Santana sang with Mercedes and why Brittany originally wanted to sing with Artie. Santana ran to Mercedes because she was afraid to sing with Brittany. Brittany paired with Artie to make Santana jealous for not agreeing to sing with her. It all snaps together with clarity before her eyes. All this started with the duets competition.

"Why did you panic?"

Santana scoffs. "I live in a fucking farm town," she says tiredly. "I can't sing a duet with a girl. I'd be labelled without a second chance. Even if she is my best friend… I can't sing a duet with her, it would be too hard."

"But you love her, don't you?" Tina blurts out.

Shockingly, Santana doesn't hang up right away. She just sputters, "I… I…"

Seeing an opening, Tina jumps, "If you love her, wouldn't it have been worth it?"

Santana still isn't ready to admit this, because she hangs up. Tina feels horrible.

* * *

The next time Tina gets a good look at Santana is at the Lonely Hearts Night at Breadstix that night. Kurt, his not-a-boyfriend, and the rest of their choir are putting on a performance, singing love songs to the restaurant patrons.

Tina is sitting with Mike, Rachel, and Mercedes. Santana, she sees, is sitting alone at the table next to them, longingly looking at Brittany where she sits with Artie at the next table over.

She wants to go over and comfort the girl, but isn't sure how, seeing as how she and Santana don't have many verbal interactions. It's more like Tina smiles and Santana nods her head in acknowledgement.

Santana only truly smiles for Brittany. And even that isn't all real anymore.

When she stands next to Brittany her smile is fake. It's only when Brittany does something that can only be described as  _Brittany_  that Santana really smiles, when her love outshines her pain.

If the two aren't hanging out outside of school anymore, then those real and pure smiles are few and far between.

* * *

A week later Santana is dating Sam. She doesn't talk about it in Glee Club - everyone is just as confused about the pairing as Tina is – and Santana doesn't bring it up the next time she hits Tina's name in her phone by mistake.

Or the next time.

Or the time after that.

Or the time after that.

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday the week after she starts dating Sam are the days Santana's tears are so thick she dials Tina's number by mistake.

Mostly she just cries on the phone with Tina, begging the girl to help her fix the mess she's in, but at the same time always accepting the blame that she and she alone put herself and Brittany in this position.

Sam, Tina thinks, could be really good for Santana, if Santana weren't still harbouring feelings for Brittany. Sam could be really sweet and a little geeky and maybe even accomplish dwindling down Santana's bitchy moods, which are becoming more and more frequent. Instead, Sam ends up spending the majority of his time kissing Santana because that's all she ever wants to do, kiss away her pain. Pretend like nothing's wrong.

Every time it happens, Brittany's pout becomes greater.

Tina isn't sure if dating Sam is to help her get over Brittany, to pretend she doesn't have feelings for Brittany, or to make Brittany jealous. It's probably a mixture of all three.


	7. Chapter 7

"I fucked up."

"It can't be that bad, Amy."

"It is. You don't… you can't understand. What happened, I… I just ruined everything."

"You can't have ruined everything," Tina insists. There was a visible change in the girls' dynamic that week at school, but nothing end-of-the-world worthy.

"I did though."

"Tell me what happened."

"We slept together."

Tina falls into silence, processing this. Okay, yes, maybe things have gotten a little more complicated since the last time Santana called her number by mistake. "You and…?"

"Yeah. Me and Britt. We slept together."

"What… what happened?"

"A…" she stumbles over the word she wants to use, "a friend of ours threw this party…" Tina silently cheers. Santana just called Rachel a friend. That is an accomplishment.

But then Tina sees where this is going before Santana even gets there. She was at the party too, after all.

"It was just, I don't know, a bunch of friends from our Glee Club. And there was alcohol. Lots. And lots of alcohol plus Britt and I, especially after we've been keeping our distance for so long… leads to sex. Some friends dropped her boyfriend off-"

That was us, Tina thinks. Tina's dad drove Tina, Mike, Artie and Mercedes home at the end of the night.

"-so it was just the two of us and we ended up back at my place and we just… we fell back into what we were used to doing before. It was so easy. I mean, it's been hard, staying away from her for so long. But we were drunk. Way past drunk. And she was all dazed and cute and looking at me and she told me she'd missed me and suddenly I was kissing her and then we were in my room and… it was all so familiar. And it felt so good. Being able to touch her, being able to hold her again. It… it filled something that's been empty for so long."

"Wow," is really all Tina can say.

"I feel horrible."

"I thought you said it made you feel good."

"It did," Santana sighs into the phone, "Until I wasn't hung-over anymore and I realised what it meant. I turned her into a cheater. I made her cheat on Artie. And it's different than when we used to do this before, when we used to cheat on guys with each other. Because it wasn't cheating so much as just… making each other feel better. But now… she told me. When she started dating him she  _told_  me it had to change, that we couldn't do what we usually did. Because what she had with Artie was different than what she had with her casual boyfriends from before. That she didn't want to hurt him. So I promised her I'd hold back."

She sighs again, and Tina can hear the quiet sounds of Santana beginning to cry.

She didn't know that part of the story. She thought it was mutual, the not sleeping together while Brittany and Artie were together. She didn't realise it was Brittany's decision, that it was Brittany putting the limitation on what was and wasn't acceptable between her and her best friend.

"And now she's gone and cheated on him and I know she feels even more miserable than before and it's my fault. Because I was drunk and I'm in love with her and I couldn't control it any longer. She was just there, with her eyes shining, and she didn't tell me no. I… I would have stopped. I would have made us stop, it would have been the right thing to do if she had just asked me to… and now… fuck."

Tina doesn't know if Santana really would have been able to stop if Brittany had said they needed to because of Artie. Tina thinks Santana probably would have kept going because of that, to spite him, but doesn't say so.

She also doesn't comment on how she thinks it's odd that Santana is worried about the consequences of Brittany cheating, when Santana – who is still dating Sam – would also be considered guilty of cheating.

But it's not really about Santana. It's about Brittany. It's always been about Brittany.

"Have you two talked about it?" is what she does say.

Santana snorts, "No. We are currently pretending it's never happened. We're different now, I can see it. It all changed because we were both drunk and needed each other. But I can see it now.

"When she touched my hand in the hallway yesterday it didn't burn. It felt amazing. And when I fixed her hair before we did one of our Glee performances today she didn't shy away. We're moving back towards where we were."

Tina noticed too, the subtle touches reminiscent of before all their drama started. Tina had picked up on them starting as early as Valentine's, when Brittany comforted Santana in the hallway after Rachel's wayward comment on Santana's promiscuous nature. But if these moments were becoming more frequent now, after they slept together… Tina doesn't really know what that means, if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

"Well, is that a bad thing?" she asked.

"I… I don't know if I want to go there. I don't know if I can go there again. I want to go back to where we were, when we were actual best friends, not two shells of best friends. But the sleeping together… I don't know if I can do that… knowing she's with… with… him." A tiny sob pushes its way out of her throat.

Artie doesn't know. Tina might be able to keep from saying anything if it doesn't happen again. But he's her friend. And if Brittany and Santana go back to sleeping together… that's one lie Tina isn't sure she'll be able to keep for Santana.

"I think you need to talk to her about it. Tell her how you-"

"No! No feelings! There can't be feelings!" Santana shouts into her phone.

Tina flinches at the harshness of her voice, but pushes on, "You can't keep doing this to yourself, S-Amy." Another close catch. "You either need to tell her-"

"Stop! Stop it, I don't want to hear it. I don't want your advice."

"Then why are you calling?"

"To talk to someone!" Santana spits out. "Because the one person I want to talk to this about is the one person I can't talk about it with," her words are cut short as her cries take over once again.

Tina realises Santana is partly right. She's been hearing Santana cry for months, cry behind an anonymous helpline because the only person ever allowed to see her cry is Brittany. And Brittany is the one causing the tears, so she can't cry in front of Brittany anymore.

She waits until Santana's crying calms before she speaks, "Amy, you need to talk to her. At least about – wait, hear me out. You need to talk to her about how this is making you feel. Not your feelings for  _her_  exactly, but about how everything that is going on is making you feel. You two need to find some common ground."

"The common ground," Santana sniffs, "is that I'm going to get left behind because I'm just the best friend and he's the boyfriend, so he comes first."

"If you're her best friend, then you come before any boyfriend."

Santana's laugh is so bitter it digs right into Tina's chest and tries to rip at her flesh, "Have you not been listening about the wreck of a friendship we've had the past few months? There is no fucking way in hell I come first for her. If I came first, we wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be dating him. Or she would be but we'd still be having sex behind his back.

"But I can't come first because I'm a fucking coward who refused to sing with her. This is my punishment. I'm stuck living with it."

The one thing Tina doesn't like about Santana is how rigid she is. For Santana, there is only ever one answer. She doesn't let herself hope for an alternate possibility, because she doesn't believe it exists.

"Do you," Tina hears herself saying, her mouth moving without her mind's permission. "I mean, you blame yourself so much for what is going on. Do you… do you blame her at all?"

Santana doesn't say anything for a long time. She simply sits and breathes into the phone, her erratic breaths slowly calming down. Tina doesn't know if Santana is contemplating her answer or if she knows it and is simply refusing to give it.

"Well?" she prods.

"No," Santana finally says. "I don't blame her at all. It would be like blaming her for having blue eyes."

Tina, for the life of her, can't see the connection. All she can see is Santana being almost blinded by her love for Brittany.

"You blame yourself then, fully?"

Santana responds right away, "Yes."

"Do you love her?"

Again, the Latina replies without hesitation, "With everything I have."

Finally, Tina asks the game-winning question. "Do you love yourself?"

Santana hangs up, but all Tina hears is a loudly resounding 'no.'

Santana loves Brittany so whole-heartedly that she leaves absolutely nothing for herself.

It's probably one of the most painful things she's realised about Santana since this whole mess started.


	8. Chapter 8

She's back to Katy Perry the next time her phone goes off – as cute as it is seeing Mike start seat-dancing each time her phone rings, she really does secretly love Katy Perry; she auditioned for Glee Club using a Katy Perry song, so the woman has a special significance for her. Tina's found a home in the choir room thanks to the singer.

It's 2:48 on a Tuesday morning. Tina has a stomach ache and has been tossing and turning all night. She thinks she ate something bad – her father made dinner that night, and things tend to go bad whenever her father was allowed in the kitchen. This time, Tina is the one suffering.

She's reasonably sure she has a History test right after lunch, too. She knows she studied for it. She and Quinn had quizzed each other all during lunch yesterday, much to Mike's disappointment.

But for the life of her, as Tina sits up and answers her phone, she can't even remember which ancient civilisation the test is going to be on.

She is not looking forward to going to school today.

"Hello," she says, trying not to snap. Just because she isn't in a good mood doesn't mean she has to be rude. She's fairly positive it isn't Santana's fault her father can't cook to save his life.

"Um, hi," Santana sighs. "Damn."

"Amy?" she asks, because she's not sure if Santana knows it's her or not.

"Hey." She sounds down. More down than Tina even.

"What's wrong?" She hasn't heard from Santana since her call after Rachel's party almost two weeks ago.

"How does someone as utterly fucked up as I am, fall for someone who could like, walk on clouds she's so pure and perfect and loving?"

It's an understatement to say that Tina's thrown by this. "Um…"

"I don't deserve her. I'm… I'm using her. I'm… abusing and manipulating and corrupting her but I can't stop because I love her so much."

"What-"

"We've been sleeping together. Behind her boyfriend's back. It's happened a few times now. I've turned her into this horrible person because I love her but I can't let her go. Isn't that like, some special saying? If you love them, you'll let them go? Why can't I just let her be happy with him? Why do I have to ruin it, not just for me, but for her, too?"

"Because you think you love her more than he does."

There's a beat, and then, "You're right," she says quietly.

"It… it's understandable though. I mean, you've known her since you were little. You fell for her before anyone else. Of course, you don't think anyone else will make her has happy as you can."

"But I don't make her happy. That's the thing. I'm making her miserable."

"If you didn't make her at least a little happy, would you two be sleeping together?"

Tina can envision the small smile on Santana's face.

"She…"

"She what?" Tina asks when Santana doesn't continue.

"She…" Santana sighs and it sounds like she is carrying so much on her shoulders, "She says she wants to talk to someone."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, she wants to talk to an adult. About what we're doing. She… she says it's confusing for her. Us. We're confusing for her. What we're doing. Where we stand."

"So, like a guidance counsellor?" Tina asks.

Santana snorts into the phone, her sombre mood fading slightly, "Oh God. Not that woman. She's a prude and a half. _I_  have more sexual experience than she does."

Tina has to agree. Ms Pillsbury has her good moments, but not when it comes to anything sexual. Or germs.

For sexual, it seems like the Glee kids go to Ms Holliday. Ms Holliday seems to have absolutely no fears teaching them all she knows about sex and sexuality, if Mr Schue's impromptu lesson plan for the week involving the substitute teacher is any indication.

Oh, hello.

"What about," Tina says carefully, trying to lead Santana to the same conclusion she's just made. "A teacher you really look up to? One you're close with and trust?"

"… I am so not talking about  _anything_  personal with Mr Schue. Ew."

Come on, Santana, Tina thinks, work with me.

"Is there… is there a health teacher maybe, someone who would be comfortable with the subject?"

There is a long pause as Santana contemplates this, then she says, "Yes. Yes, that's it. Ms Holliday."

"You think she'll be able to help?"

Santana mulls over this for a beat, "Maybe. I'd be comfortable talking with her at least. Thanks."

Tina smiles, for multiple reasons. One, Santana is agreeing to talk with someone who doesn't work for the helpline and has no idea who she is. Two, by talking with Ms Holliday, Santana will end up talking with Brittany, and Tina thinks that's the most important part. Santana and Brittany need to figure out exactly what is going on between them before someone gets hurt; more hurt than they already are.

* * *

Tina doesn't even think about the History test until she gets to lunch, where she is bombarded by Quinn, insisting they skip eating and jump right into quizzing each other. Quinn gets like this when there are upcoming tests. She starts bouncing and spewing out random facts and stops eating and starts drinking more coffee. Tina likes studying quietly to herself most of the time – unless she and Mike are making up weird study games – but she doesn't mind Quinn's company.

Her stomach ache is ever present, so Tina has no qualms about skipping eating. Mike tries to intervene, but she says she's already not feeling well and doesn't even want to write the test but she needs to study so he quiets and just listens as she and Quinn bounce ideas off each other.

Lunch ends. The test happens. Then she's leaving the room and it doesn't even matter. She's aced all her other History tests, one slip-up was bound to happen.

After classes end she enters the choir room and sees Ms Holliday standing to one side talking to Mr Schue, the band gathered behind them. There are three stools set up in the middle of the room. Brittany is sitting on one, looking a mix between forlorn and nervous.

Quinn is walking next to Tina – they had all their afternoon classes together today. But thankfully Quinn isn't one of those people who needs to discuss tests after they happen, asking how other people did, what answers they wrote, and clarifying things. Mike does it sometimes, but she doesn't mind.

The blonde shoots a questioning look at Brittany's very still posture as they enter the room. Then they break apart, Quinn going to talk with Finn while Tina moves to stand with Mercedes and Rachel. "What's going on?" she asks as she drops her bag.

"I believe Ms Holliday has another performance for us," Rachel answers.

"Why is Brittany up there?"

"I think she's singing too."

Tina can't help the little frown she makes. Brittany doesn't usually volunteer to sing solo's for the group. She's done a few numbers during school assemblies when she discovers an unknown source of confidence, but impromptu solo's for the group are few and far between. Brittany – much like Mike – prefers to dance.

"Brittany," she asks, taking a step towards the girl and leaving Rachel and Mercedes for a moment. "What are you singing?"

The blonde blinks, realising she's being addressed. She chews her lip before answering quietly, "Ms Holliday said she'd sing with us."

"Us?"

"Yeah. Me … and Santana."

If this were a cartoon, Tina's sure there'd be a drawing of a blinking light bulb hovering over her head.

"Where is Santana?" Tina doesn't want to think about the repercussion of Santana backing out of singing with Brittany a second time.

"She had her creative writing class last today; on the other side of the building," Brittany answers without a smile, excusing her best friend's lateness.

A glance towards the choir room door and Tina can see Santana pacing back and forth in the hallway, muttering to herself. She's flipping her phone open and closed as she paces, not ready to enter the room quite yet.

"I'm sure you'll do really well," Tina insists, looking back at the blonde. She's happy for the progress the two have made and wants Brittany to understand.

Brittany is sitting uncharacteristically still on the stool. But she smiles and says quietly, "Thanks. Santana picked the song. She said it… she said it was the right one."

"That's good," she answers, moving to go and sit in the spare seat between Rachel and Mercedes, Mike in front of her.

"Satan and Sunshine are singing together?" Mercedes asks, looking grumpy. Mercedes has recently decided she doesn't like Ms Holliday.

Tina doesn't really understand, because come on Mercedes, the prop was for visual aid, not literal meaning. But she knows the argument is useless.

A moment later Santana calmly walks into the room, trying not to look like this next performance holds such a significant meaning to her. She bypasses looking at everyone and goes right to Brittany. She stops a few steps short, however, keeping a distance between them.

Mercedes has her phone out, Rachel is leaning down to ask Sam a question, and everyone else is talking quietly to themselves, waiting for the afternoon's rehearsal to start. Tina pretends to pick at something on her outfit, but strains to hear the couple talking on the floor.

"Ready?" Santana asks, her voice heavy with emotion.

Brittany nods once.

"You're nervous?"

Brittany shrugs, "Yeah."

"Don't be," Santana insists, even though her shaky voice betrays that she's nervous too. "It's just the two of us, okay? But with music."

That makes Brittany smile.

Santana nods at Ms Holliday. Mr Schue tells everyone that Brittany and Santana have something they've put together to sing for them all. People's reactions range from interested to bored to curious to Mercedes still glaring moodily at Ms Holliday. The three arrange themselves on the stools.

Ms Holliday's face is impassive.

Brittany looks calmer now, petrified still, but a little happier.

Santana's looking down at her lap. She takes in a breath and holds it, seeming to forget how to release. After a count of ten, she lets it go. She takes another deep, shuddering breath in and out through her teeth, steeling herself for what she's about to do. When she looks up her eyes already have a hint of moisture.

She gives a subtle nod to Ms Holliday, and the elder blonde begins strumming the guitar in her lap.

* * *

Tina doesn't get a call from Santana that night, and though this doesn't mean anything – Santana could have hit the right number this time – Tina chooses to think positive.

She thinks Brittany and Santana just might work out.


	9. Chapter 9

For once, Tina will be thankful she overslept.

If Tina hadn't missed her alarm, she wouldn't have missed grabbing her Biology textbook on her way out the door.

If she hadn't forgotten her Biology textbook, she wouldn't have had to ask to borrow Mike's when that class came around and she realized she was without her book.

She's just approaching Mike's locker when something catches her eye. Santana's walking in her direction from the other end of the hallway. She's about to flash a smile at the girl as her fingers lift to spin the lock when she sees Santana's face.

Even from a distance, Tina can see the tears.

Most of the people in the hallway don't take notice of the other girl; they jostle past her and bump into her and Santana takes every single beating like she deserves it, never once snapping at her peers the way Tina's seen her do many times before. The people that do notice Santana crying as she walks down the hall step back and out of her way, pointing and snickering behind their hands at her misfortune.

Santana, Tina realises, doesn't even see her. She's just hastily moving down the hallway, trying to get as far away from whatever just happened as possible. Tina steps away from the yet-to-be-opened locker and into Santana's path.

"Santana?"

The Latina doesn't hear her. The tears silently slide down her cheeks as she keeps moving.

Tina reaches out a hand and grabs Santana by the arm, pulling her into a stop. This seems to break whatever spell she's under, because her eyes widen and seem to take in Tina holding onto her arm.

"What?" she tries to snap, but her voice only sounds broken.

Thinking quickly, Tina tightens her grip and starts walking, leading Santana through the maze of McKinley students until she finds an empty class room. She opens the door, pulls Santana inside, and spins and shuts the door.

Santana stands a few steps away, frozen.

Tina has no idea what's just happened. She's never seen Santana look like this.

Crying.

Is this what Santana looks like when she's on the phone late at night with the helpline?

Something heavy settles in Tina's stomach as she realises that yes, this is what Santana looks like when she cries about Brittany. Because for whatever just happened to leave the Latina looking so broken, Brittany was involved.

There's a tissue box on the teacher's desk. Tina snags a few of the paper squares and steps towards the other girl. "Here," she offers gently.

Santana doesn't move. She simple squeezes her eyes shut and fights her tears harder, though a few leak from between her lashes. She keeps pulling her bottom lip into her mouth to bite on it, trying to make it stop frowning, like if she can stop her frowning she might be able to stop crying.

Taking pity on her, Tina nervously brings the tissue up and dabs at Santana's face, whipping the tears and stray mascara away.

Santana lets her. Then she sighs, bends her knees, and crouches above the floor. She has her elbows on her knees and drops her head into her hands. Her back heaves with silent sobs.

Tina drops down next to her immediately, sitting flat on the floor, and rubs circles on the other girl's back. "Santana, what happened?"

Santana shakes her head, the first indication she's made of being aware of Tina's presence.

The girl's knees bang against the ground and she pounds her fist hard against the floor once. "Fuck!" she curses before breaking down.

Tina wraps her arms around the trembling girl, pulling her into her embrace. Santana doesn't fight it. She buries her head into Tina's neck and clings to her shirt, crying and shaking and visibly falling to pieces. Her jacket is twisted around her and her short dress is riding up and her hair is messy, but for once Santana has no time to think of her appearance, no time to think about the fact that she is crying into Tina's arms when she and Tina aren't overly close. She just cries.

"Shhh," Tina murmurs, rubbing her back again and beginning to rock their bodies slowly, "It's okay, it's okay."

"No, it's not," Santana mumbles, not lifting her head.

"It'll be alright. Whatever happened, it will be all right."

The Latina groans. "It can't. I can't go back now. Everything's too broken." Her voice is higher pitched than normal with her sobs, and it's muffled as she speaks into Tina's neck, but Tina still makes out the words.

"Shhh, it's okay, Santana. You need let it out. Tell me," she insists gently, "Tell me what happened. I promise I won't tell anyone."

Santana's head snaps up violently and she stares at Tina in horror. Her eyes are dark and red and puffy, but despite her vulnerable position, the girl still looks threatening as she stares at Tina. "No…" she begs, shaking her head. "No, no, you… you can't…"

She recognises her voice. Tina can see it in her eyes; Santana has finally realised who she's been speaking to on the phone these past few months.

"Hey," Tina whispers, "It's okay. I haven't told anyone."

"How?" she begs, pulling away from Tina. "How…?"

Tina stays calm, gently explaining, "Sometimes you hit my number on your phone instead of the one you mean to. And… and I couldn't find the right way to tell you."

"You knew. For months. You knew. My… my personal – you knew about me and Bri-" her voice cracks.

"Hey," Tina says, touching Santana's hair tenderly, "I never told anyone. I did for you exactly what you needed me to. I just listened. I never told anyone any of the things you told me, Santana. Not anyone." She says this forcefully, wanting Santana to understand. "After it happened the first time, I couldn't bear to tell you. It… I didn't know what you'd do if you knew, so I just kept going along."

Santana bares her teeth at Tina in a silent snarl, but Tina rushes to keep speaking and stop the other girl from spitting the harsh words Tina can see collecting on her tongue. "I know I've broken some of your trust, listening to you open up to me the way you did. But, I couldn't… Santana, I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to help you. I couldn't ignore it and let you suffer on your own."

"This whole time," Santana whispers, "You were Mindy. You knew it was me."

Tina nods, "But I never told, Santana. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how scared I was about you. It was your business. I was just trying to help. N-not even Mike," she offers, her nerves fraying as she tries to get Santana to understand.

Santana's eyes bore into her, and Tina is half-afraid she's going to get slapped. But instead, she finds Santana's face drop into her lap as her sobs start up again. Tina runs a hand through the girl's hair, trying to calm her down. "Tell me what happened," she asks after a while, when Santana's shaking lessens.

"I… I told her. B. How I feel. I told her everything." Santana curls, lying on her side with her head still in Tina's lap. She takes one of the discarded tissues and dabs at her face before beginning to shed it viciously. "She… she chose Artie."

Tina's hand stalls. Her eyes widen. Her chest squeezes and compresses in on itself. "No… No, Santana, she can't have…"

"She did," Santana says quietly. There is no venom in her voice, no malice. Only brokenness. "I told her I l-love her, that I wanted to be with her and she… Artie."

Tina's at a loss for words. There is a girl shattering into a million tiny pieces in her arms and she has no idea how to help, has nothing to catch the pieces with. It's one thing being on the phone, but seeing and being here in person is so much more overwhelming. She wants to make Santana's pain go away but has no idea where to even start.

She lifts her head and looks around, hoping to find something inspiring inscribed on the walls. She realises they're sitting on the floor of Ms Castle's astronomy room. It seems like no one is ever in this room; Tina can't remember the last time she saw a class inside. The bell rings, echoing around them in the empty room and signalling the start of class. Tina won't have time to run to Mike's locker now.

She looks down at Santana and decides she isn't going to Biology.

Santana sniffles and Tina decides she isn't going to any of the rest of her classes today. "Come on," she says, shifting Santana. "Let's get out of here."

Santana sits up but shakes her head, "I… I can't go to class, I can't ris-"

"No, let's get out of here."

Santana blinks, smiling despite her tears, "You? Ditch class?" There's a bit of teasing laughter in her voice.

"For a friend, I would."

It looks like someone just threw a bucket of ice water on Santana, the way her eyes widen and she gasps slightly. Her mouth opens, and she looks very afraid in this moment. Finally, she whispers, "Okay," and gets to her feet.

"It's okay if I say we're friends, right?" Tina tries to correct herself, standing and placing a hand on Santana's back as she leads her from the room.

"I… I'd actually really like that," Santana says like she's pulling a heavy weight from her shoulders.

Quinn and Puck are no longer close with her, not after Valentine's Day, so without Brittany, Tina knows Santana is kind of short on real close friends right now. And Santana isn't a big social butterfly in some senses. She has a lot of acquaintances with Cheerios, and casual friends with Glee Club, but not too many close friends.

Hearing Santana say she wants this makes her smile. It means all the months of silently being in pain listening to Santana pour out her heart were worth it.

She leads the Latina to the washrooms to clean up. While Santana blows her nose and wipes at the last of her tears, Tina gives her some privacy. She leans against the far wall and pulls out her phone to text Mike.

_I won't be at school the rest of the day – don't get mad! Something happened to Santana, she needs a friend right now. I'll call you later. Love you._

He buzzes back a few seconds later.

_I'm in class with Britt right now, she looks sad, won't tell me what's up. Are they fighting again? I'll let Sam know at lunch that Santana's out. I'll miss you. You're such a good person. Love you too._

She pockets the phone just as Santana finishes up. "Where do you want to go?" Tina asks.

"Anywhere."

* * *

Anywhere ends up being Santana's house. It's big and fancy looking as Santana parks her car in the massive driveway. Tina is a bit in awe. She knew Santana was well off, but she wasn't expecting this. It is one nice looking house.

It is just as big and fancy on the inside. Clean white walls, expensive décor, massive windows. Everything a family pretending they live in a nicer place than Lima, Ohio could ever want.

It's also empty.

Her father, a high-paid doctor Santana explains as they climb the stairs, is away a lot. Santana spends most of her time at home in this big fancy house alone. Except for a few days a month when she's living with her mother in another house in a much less-rich part of town.

Tina is really beginning to see why Santana called the helpline. To her, Santana looks like this big strong girl with high, thick walls around her. She doesn't let anyone see her weak. She doesn't easily let people in.

But when she needs someone, when she does break down and ask for help, there aren't many options. If she rarely sees her parents, is at odds with Puck and Quinn, and can't talk to Brittany because it's about Brittany, then it is understandable why Santana would turn to a complete stranger for help. It's probably easier, talking on the phone to someone she doesn't know at all then trying to talk in person with someone she knows but isn't as close to, like Mercedes or Tina herself.

Tina is shown Santana's room, and then told to make herself comfortable as Santana disappears, probably to clean herself up. She had her big breakdown, now she needs to build her armour back up.

Santana's room is dark; dark walls, dark furniture. It's also spotless. The bed is perfectly made, her desk is neat and organised, and there is nothing cluttering the floor or hanging off the furniture.

Tina closes the door behind her and does a slow circle, taking it all in. Somehow, it all seems to fit. It all describes Santana perfectly.

Even, surprisingly, what she finds behind the door.

A large corkboard is hanging on the wall right behind the door. The board is so filled with stuff Tina can hardly see the beige of the cork behind. There's so many things hanging, all overlapping and half-covering each other. It's like this is Santana's messy place in her otherwise immaculate bedroom.

But, Tina realises, looking closer, it isn't just covered with random things. Everything on the board means something to the Latina.

It is mostly covered in pictures. There is a group shot of the Cheerios in each of the four corners; Tina takes the time to pick out Santana, Brittany and Quinn in each one.

Right smack in the middle of the board is the same picture Tina has framed on her desk in her room. It's of them, the Glee Club, taken in the choir room after Regionals last year. All of them are huddled around their third place trophy and smiling like they'd won first.

That picture is held by a blue thumbtack, and it rests higher off the board than some of the others. Lifting a corner, Tina sees it's because the photo is sitting on top of a few other pictures.

Tina's smile grows as she lifts each consecutive picture. The Sectionals group shot from this year, all of them in white and beige. Last year's Regionals group shot from right before the competition started, all of them in gold and black. Last year's Sectionals group shot, all of them in black and pink. And Tina actually has to think for a moment to place the last one: last year's Invitational group shot, all of them in their cowboy gear from their opening number.

No one can ever argue that Santana doesn't love Glee Club.

There's a picture of a much younger Santana standing in front of a waterfall, her parents on either side of her. To the left of that picture is a photo of Santana and her father in front of this house, and on the right is a picture of Santana and her mother in front of another house. Santana's smile, genuine in the centre one, is fake in the side two.

There is also an assortment of random pictures. Some of Santana and Quinn, some of Santana and Puck. Lots and lots of Brittany at different ages, with and without Santana in the shot. One adorable photo is of the two of them sitting together in a field; there's a caterpillar on Brittany's face. Another one is of Brittany and a younger blonde that has to be her sister sitting on a couch smiling, two cats – one massive and one much thinner - sitting between them.

There are also random things hanging up too: ticket stubs, a metallic light blue feather, a few necklaces, cut-outs from the newspaper and a cheerleading magazine. There's a scrap of paper with  _Brittany_  written in blue crayon in a child's messy handwriting. Dozens of stickers. Even a flyer for a blood donation bank.

It's like every important thing that has ever happened to Santana is stuck on this board.

"Ah, you found that," Santana says when she pushes the door open gently and meets the resistance of Tina's shoulder. She slips in, closes the door, and stands next to Tina for a moment to look at the board. "It's my memory board."

"It's really cool," Tina says honestly.

Santana shrugs and flops onto the bed. Tina sits on one side, taking in Santana's appearance. She's washed her face and wearing only a little makeup now. She's also changed from her dress into more casual jeans and a black tee-shirt with a classic rock band's emblem on the centre.

"Is it okay for us to do this," Santana asks, not making eye contact. "Still, I mean. Like, is it…"

Tina has no idea what she's going on about. "What?"

Santana looks like a scared child who just spilt her milk at dinner and is waiting to be punished. "Can…" she hesitates a moment, taking a deep breath to prepare herself. "C-can I still… talk to you? Like, like we were doing before. But, but without the phone? Is… is that okay, or…"

Tina cocks her head to one side, amused. "If I didn't want to talk, I wouldn't have ditched, you know."

"But, is it weird now though? I mean, I didn't know it was you…"

"I can go, if you want, and you can call me and we can do it like that if it's easier."

Santana shakes her head, "I… I don't want to be alone right now."

Tina smiles, "Then we can talk. Like friends. Like we've been doing for months. You'd consider Mindy your friend, right? Even though you never met her?" Santana nods hesitantly. "Then there you go. Now you've met Mindy in person." Tina extends her hand, waiting for Santana to grip it. When she does, Tina shakes it and says, "Hi, I'm Mindy-slash-Tina. Nice to meet you."

"You're so weird."

Tina shrugs, people say that a lot. "What happened today?" she asks, her voice tender.

Santana sighs heavily and drops her head onto a pillow. Tina draws patterns on the comforter, waiting for her to speak.

"Start from the beginning," she adds when Santana opens her mouth.

So Santana does, "I told her I wanted to talk. I thanked her for singing Landslide with me. I told her I wanted to be with her, date her, but I was scared of what other people would say. I told her I loved her, and I never meant it more than I did in that moment. And she… she picked Artie."

Tina isn't convinced of this. "Tell me exactly what she said."

A slow tear rolls down Santana's cheek as she stares at the ceiling, "I told her I loved her, and she said she didn't want to hurt Artie. She would be with me if it weren't for Artie. She can't break up with him. If she ever did, then she'd be with me. But she can't hurt him. So she won't break up with him."

"She loves you."

"Not enough, clearly."

Tina shakes her head, "This is Brittany; she cares about everyone. Of course, she wouldn't feel right dumping him to be with you, just – don't bite my head off – just because you said you love her. She needs a bigger reason than that. She won't hurt him if she doesn't have to."

"But by her choosing to not hurt him, she's hurting me," Santana says evenly.

This throws Tina's resolve for a moment because, yes, Santana does have a point. But…"Hear me out, okay?"

Santana shrugs. Tina leans over and pulls on Santana's arms until she's sitting up, then Tina rearranges how she's sitting so her knees are brushing Santana's. She looks the other girl in the eyes and starts talking, "You and Brittany see things differently.

"You see things in black and white and sometimes grey. For you, if Brittany isn't with you, then you're alone. If you don't have Brittany, you don't have anyone. If Brittany's with Artie, then you don't have a chance. Correct?"

Santana's eyes close and she gives a tiny nod, like she's ashamed Tina's recognised this about her.

Tina continues gently, "But Brittany sees in colour. Brittany sees all the other possibilities and lives in a world where she knows the green possibility could happen just as easily as the red one.

"She loves Artie." Santana flinches, but Tina presses on. "Maybe she didn't mean to in the beginning, when this all started, but she does now. She loves him. She's happy with him. That doesn't mean she can't be happy with you. It just means she's happy with him.

"You told her you'd be with her if you weren't afraid of what other people would say, right?" Santana nods. "That's why Brittany won't leave Artie to be with you. Because she knows that, if she leaves Artie right now, it will hurt him too much. He won't be able to see why. Brittany needs to give him a reason."

"I'm not a reason?" Santana croaks out.

"I wasn't finished," Tina says calmly. "If Brittany leaves Artie now, and goes to you, things won't be different. Even if you two did start dating in secret, things won't change. You both will hide and not let anyone see you care about each other and you'll go back to sleeping together and your feelings will get all muddled up and it will just hurt both of you. And then you, her,  _and_  Artie will all be in pain.

"What she needs is a reason to hurt him, a reason that will be worth it." And now Tina waits, hoping Santana can see what Tina sees.

She's pretty sure Santana does see, her eyes go wide with recognition, but her mouth stays closed. Tina sighs internally and continues, "If Brittany is going to leave Artie, it has to be so she isn't moving backwards, Santana. She needs to move to equal ground. If she leaves Artie, it has to be so she's going to be with you. Publically."

Santana winces.

"If you two can be together publically, then you'll both be happy, and Artie will hurt for a little while. But he'll understand, because he understands Brittany.

"Brittany's dated Artie publically for months now; she knows what it's like. Being happy like that. Santana, she wants that with you. She doesn't want to hide anymore. Artie's shown her what she wants. What she wants  _with you._  But she won't force you. That's not how Brittany is. If she's going to end in that possibility, then you have to show her what colour it is." Tina thinks her metaphor is getting a little mixed by now, but whatever.

"I… I can't…"

"You don't have to right now, Santana," Tina smiles. "She said she'd be with you if she and Artie ever broke up?" Santana nods. "Then there you go. She's giving you time. She's telling you that she's going to wait with Artie until you're ready. I know it hurts, but that's how Brittany sees it."

"So what am I supposed to do? I can't… I'm not…"

"Start small. Show her what she's missing. Fight for her. Show her you care about her more than Artie does. Take the time to think about you, who you are, and who you want to be, with and without her."

"You want me to… to tell people I'm… that I…" She sounds so broken it hurts Tina to hear.

"Not if you're not ready, no. You can't force yourself. Start small. Break up with Sam, for starters."

Santana cracks a smile, "Yeah, I should do that."

"Be nice though, okay? He doesn't deserve you dropping him at the side of the curb. But break up with Sam, try and make amends with Quinn. Figure out what's up with you and Puck. Maybe… maybe try being nicer to people. Show her that, even if you aren't ready to go and stick a label on yourself, that you're trying. For her.

"Become comfortable with yourself and who you are. And when you're ready to be you, she'll see, and she'll do the right thing. Right now, she's trying to protect all of you. She's trying to keep Artie safe and not put you in a position where you're uncomfortable. But you need to show her you'll take a risk. She's worth a risk, right?"

Santana smiles, "Yeah. Yeah, she is."

"You get what I'm saying, then? You can't try and fix it all right this second, but you need to work at it."

Santana lies back down on the bed, dragging Tina with her so they're laying side by side, heads on the pillows. "God, I've never heard you talk that much all at once."

"Well… I wanted you to understand."

"I understand. Hey, Tina?"

"Yeah?"

"I… I think I'm gay."

Tina smiles so big she thinks she's split her face in two. "Yeah, I know. And I don't think any differently of you."

"But other people will."

Tina sighs, "Yeah, some will."

"Kurt changed schools."

She looks sidelong at Santana, realising the girl has been placing herself into Kurt's life to see what it would be like to be out, and what she's seeing is scaring her. "I think there were a lot more things going on than just that. Yeah, he was being bullied. But, I think, I think there was more to his transfer than just that. Karofsky…I don't know… I think something happened. Don't tell anyone I said that."

Santana nods. After a few beats of silence, she asks, "Why'd you pick up the phone?"

"Hmm?"

"I was calling you on and off for months in the middle of the night. Why did you keep picking up? You could have ignored it."

"No, I couldn't have."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"What would you have done if I'd told you you'd called my number by accident?"

Santana thinks about this for a few minutes, "Fair enough."

"I wasn't going to give up on you. You trusted me, even if you didn't know it was me. I wanted to help."

"You have."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm going to fight for her. I'm going to work on me, work on me and her, and wait for the right time to really ask her to be with me. And when I get frustrated and scared and all that shit, I'm going to call you, and you'll remind me why I'm fighting. Deal?"

"Deal."

It's as simple as that, really.


	10. Chapter 10

It seems like only days ago when the New Directions and the Warblers tied at Sectionals, but here they are. Regionals.

The group is sitting in a large auditorium, a small lake of blue and black among a sea of colours from the rest of the audience.

Artie's sitting on the end – technically he's in the aisle, since he's in his wheelchair – with Brittany sitting next to him. Santana is snug in between Brittany and Tina, and Mike is on Tina's other side.

At the moment they're watching Kurt and his finally-a-boyfriend sing their duet. The two are adorable. Kurt looks nervous, but both of them are doing really well. Rachel is sitting in the seat in front of Tina, beaming. She got overly excited when the Warblers came out on stage and stood up and clapped and cheered louder than anyone else. Excitable Rachel is fun.

But it doesn't take long for the choir on stage to finish their Pink number and that means it's their turn soon.

Green room. Last minute hugs. Lots of good luck wishes. Warm smiles. Clasped hands. And then they're waiting in the wings as Rachel goes out first, singing her solo. And it's  _really good_. For all their belly flops in the choir room trying to write their original songs, Rachel finally nailed it.

And then Tina and Brittany are walking out on stage, singing backup to Rachel. Then the rest of the girls. Then the guys. Applause. Loud, loud applause. Then the music for their second song starts and Tina just smiles, opens her mouth and  _sings._

It's a blur. She's running so high on emotion and happiness right now she wouldn't even notice if half the group simultaneously tripped and fell off the stage and ruined the song she's so elated.

Then they're tossing red confetti onto the crowd and it's all over.

* * *

One of them screams first – Tina think it's Brittany, standing next to her – and then suddenly they're all screaming and laughing and jumping up and down cheering.

They did it. They're going to Nationals.

Mike mauls her from behind, wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug as she continues to bounce on the stage excitedly. She tilts her head up and kisses his chin quickly, then spins and throws her arms around his neck, laughing all the while.

Then she's being pulled away as Brittany's arms encircle her. The blonde squeezes Tina's tiny frame and Tina squeezes back just has hard; they're both trying to soak up each other's excitement. Brittany pulls away first, kissing Tina's cheek squealing, "We did it!" before turning and pouncing on Quinn.

Santana is half-hugging, half-high fiving with Puck. Tina waits until they break apart and then she runs the three steps between them and throws her arms around the Latina just as Rachel's delighted laughter sounds louder over all their voices as she and Mr Schue hold up the trophy. The whole audience is cheering loudly for them.

Santana hugs her tightly, and when they break apart she grabs Tina's hand and doesn't let go. "I can't believe it!" she laughs, eyes sparkling.

"I totally can!" Tina giggles, squeezing her hand.

There are a few people on stage now trying to calm them down long enough to take a group picture. They organise themselves into a messy bundle of limbs and bodies and bright smiles as the camera flashes over and over.

When its ends Tina looks around; the audience is slowly clearing and Aural Intensity is gone, Coach Sylvester was livid at her team's loss. She can see the Warblers off-stage, Kurt and his finally-a-boyfriend standing hand in hand, smiling at them. Kurt gives her a happy thumbs up. She blows a kiss at him.

Then she turns and squeezes Santana's hand – Santana still hasn't let go – to get the girl's attention.

"Santana?"

"Yeah?" she giggles, still high off the excitement of winning.

"Now would be the time, you know."

"What?"

"Now."

Santana's happy face is slowly turning into a look of confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Hand in hand, Tina leads the girl along as they follow the others back to the Green Room.

"You know how you were waiting for the right time?" she asks, looking sidelong at her companion. "Now would be that time."

"I still have no idea what you're talking about."

"Brittany."

Santana's step falters, eyes automatically rising to seek out the blonde. She's up near the front of the group with Rachel, swinging their joined hands and skipping down the hallway.

"What? What about her?"

Tina smiles knowingly. She's been keeping a secret from Santana. It's been hard; she's grown used to keeping the secrets  _for_  Santana, not  _from_  her. But this one was necessary.

But it isn't just Tina in on the secret this time. Mike knows, too. They were working on this together, trying to figure out the best way for this to happen.

And this was the best way for it to happen.

True to her word, Santana's been working. She politely breaks up with Sam. She has a long talk with Quinn, wherein the next day they are talking and laughing and sitting together in Glee Club, something that hasn't happened in a long while.

She's also on better terms with Brittany. She still looks longingly at her, still frowns at Artie. But she and Brittany are better. They smile and giggle and walk in synch again. None of it forced or fake. She goes to Brittany's for dinner and sings under her breath to the blonde when she thinks no one is paying attention.

She eats lunch with Mike and Tina now. She and Tina talk on the phone too, but no longer at ridiculous times.

Santana plays nice with Artie. Compliments Rachel when she knows Brittany can hear. She apologises to Puck and Lauren, in front of the whole Glee Club. That was a big one.

Tina's really proud. Santana's been making an effort, and Tina knows Brittany's been noticing.

It's too bad what happened three days ago, though, because Tina really wanted to see this play out naturally. She wanted to see how far Santana would go.

But Santana deserves a break too.

They're the last ones to enter the Green Room – they have to wait there for a little while before they can leave; something about more photos and Mr Schue signing something, Tina wasn't really listening – and she halts them just inside the door. "Artie," she whispers, "He and Brittany broke up two days ago."

It's like all the air goes out of the room. Tina can actually hear Santana's heart stop beating.

"What?" Santana asks in a tiny voice, staring straight ahead but not seeing anything.

"Yeah. They had a long talk. He brought up Landslide, I think, and what it meant. They broke up. Mutually. He isn't mad. He knows… he knows there's someone she loves more. Mike said Artie told him he's suspected it for a while now, actually."

Tina has no idea if Santana is even listening to her or if she is simply repeating  _he and Brittany broke up_  over and over again in her head.

After a long, long pause, the other girl finally whispers, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Mike and I were sworn to secrecy."

This breaks the spell she's under. Santana looks at Mike, sitting on one of the Green Room couches. He looks up when he feels her gaze, raises his eyebrows, looks at Brittany, and then back at Santana with a meaningful look.

He transfers unspoken words to her that she must understand, because Santana gasps lightly.

Artie, parked in his chair next to Mike, looks up too and catches Santana's eye. Tina feels the other girl stiffen next to her. Artie gives a stiff smile, and then nods approvingly in Brittany's direction.

Tina watches as Santana slowly turns to look at the blonde where she's talking with Mercedes and Sam.

Brittany knows Santana's looking now. She ignores her for a moment, giggling and swishing her dress as Sam says something. Then a bright smile breaks through on her face and she turns, fully facing Santana from across the room. Her eyes are shining brighter than Tina's ever seen. She cocks her head at Santana, pretending she doesn't know why the Latina's staring at her.

"Britt," Santana whispers under her breath.

It's like the blonde hears, even from across the room. She raises her eyebrows challengingly at Santana, as if to say,  _yeah, I'm single now, are you going to do something about it?_

What Santana does is grow wings and fly. She races across the room and throws her arms around the blonde's neck, nearly toppling them over with the force of her impact. Brittany staggers under the sudden weight and Sam reaches over to settle them. She gives him a grateful smile while Santana seems to try to sink herself right into Brittany's skin.

Tina follows, perching to sit on Mike's lap and watch the interaction.

Santana's arms are wrapped tightly around Brittany's neck, like she's afraid to let go. Her face is burrowing into the blonde's shoulder. Brittany is smiling down at her and has her arms around Santana's back, rubbing gently. They fit so perfectly together.

Santana eventually pulls back, but not away. She stays right in Brittany's space, "You broke up? You're single now?"

Brittany giggles lightly and nods, "Yeah."

"And he…" she breaks off.

Brittany understands what she's trying to say. "It's okay. He gets it."

"But I-"

"It's okay, San," the blonde insists.

A tear rolls down Santana's cheek, a happy tear. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Brittany smiles, a wicked gleam in her eyes, "Well, I was kind of hoping you'd notice yourself and that maybe you might just come right out and kiss me t-"

Brittany means to say, "kiss me there on stage," but she is cut off by Santana's lips on her own, as if her words 'kiss me' are a command.

Santana pulls back almost immediately though, a terrified look on her face. But Tina isn't sure if she's frightened because of what she's done for her own sake, or if she's worried she's stepped over a line she shouldn't have. Her eyes don't roam the room to see if anyone noticed, they stay locked on the blonde.

Brittany frowns.

"Britt, please-"

"San-"

"Be with me, please, I love you, be with me. Be… be my girlfriend."

If it wouldn't ruin the moment, Tina would clap.

"B," Santana whines loudly when Brittany doesn't respond right away. This causes everyone in the room not already watching to look over at the pair. Tina's smile grows even wider.

Brittany is looking at her intently, taking in everything about the girl in front of her. Finally, she says, "Prove to me you want this."

Santana never hesitates. She kisses Brittany. Long and hard and full on the mouth as if her life depended on it. To Santana, it very well might. But she kisses the girl. She wraps one arm around Brittany's back and the other hand goes into Brittany's hair and she holds the blonde close against her like she never wants to let go.

Puck, standing behind the couch she and Mike are sitting on, wolf-whistles. Mike leans back and elbows Puck hard in the arm, "Dude, not now."

Puck rolls his eyes.

When the girls finally break apart they wear two completely different expressions. Santana looks petrified and is visibly willing Brittany to be the one to speak first. Brittany just grins.

"Santana," Brittany says with mock-seriousness.

But Santana doesn't see it, she's so blinded by her fear that Brittany will say no. "Please," she whispers.

Brittany is still teasing even though Santana doesn't realise it. "I don't know," she muses. "What about what everyo-"

"I love you," she says. Then she spins, addressing the room. "I love her. I'm gay. I love Brittany. I like girls. I love her." She turns back to the blonde and latches onto her hands. "Be my girlfriend."

Brittany laughs and rolls her eyes. "Since you asked so nicely," she says, pulling Santana into another hug and kissing the top of her head tenderly. Santana melts, sagging into her arms. All the tension from the last few minutes, the last few months, drains from her body once she realises Brittany is hers.

"Really, Santana?" Quinn speaks up, leaning against the wall by the door. "'I love her. I'm gay.' Really? That's how you're going to do it? I was expecting something a little more profound."

Santana, turning in Brittany's arms, sputters, "W-what?"

"If you'll remember," Quinn continues, "None of us had a problem with Kurt or his sexuality." She smiles, "I'm glad you told us, albeit kind of bluntly. But we knew. We were all just waiting for you to man up and admit it."

Finn raises his hand, "Uh, I didn't actually know. It's cool though," he adds, shrugging. "It's cool." He pauses for a moment before adding, "Oh, hey, my brother's gay too! You should totally meet him." Cue Finn's dorky smile.

"I didn't know either," Mercedes adds. Lauren nods in agreement.

"Okay," Quinn fixes, "Those of us with eyes who were actually watching you knew. But we're all happy you and Brittany finally worked it out."

"Yeah," Brittany smiles, "I'm happy now too. I get you as my best friend and my girlfriend, all in one."

Santana smiles up at the blonde. Then she pulls away.

She's running and pulling Tina up off Mike's lap and into a hug so fast Tina doesn't even have time to blink. Smiling, her arms come up automatically as she returns the hug, "You're competing with Rachel for most dramatic at this point, you know."

Santana ignores the jibe, "Thank you," she says, pulling back and looking at Tina in earnest. Santana's eyes are moist.

"For what?"

"For everything. For being there. For answering the phone. Every single time. Thank you. For pretending to be the Lifeline. For being  _my_  lifeline."

Tina knows no one else in the room really understands why she and Santana are hugging or why Santana's thanking her but it doesn't matter. Her heart is so happy right now she could sing.

But since they already did that – and won! – she settles for smiling, hugging Santana one last time, and then playfully shoving her back into Brittany's waiting arms.

Santana doesn't let go of Brittany's hand for the next few hours. The rest of the wait in the Green Room, when they meet up again with Mr Schue in the lobby, or during the bus ride home; her hand is firmly clasping Brittany's the whole time.

Sitting hand in hand with Brittany, Santana's also made sure she's sitting across the aisle from Tina and Mike.

Double dates with Brittany and Santana are going to be fun. Because as fun as double dates with Brittany and Artie were, Tina's never dated Santana. Much less awkward.

Yep. This friendship is one that will last a lifetime.


End file.
